A Family Affair: What you can learn from ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

“Bachelor in Paradise” wrapped up its season this week. If you’re not familiar, “Bachelor in Paradise” is a spinoff from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” television series. Instead of having one person pick from many potential suitors, “Bachelor in Paradise” take contestants that weren’t chosen on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” and has them all hang out on a beach in Mexico for about a month. Contestants must find someone to couple up with or they risk being eliminated.

“Bachelor in Paradise” is fun to watch. You get to see some of your favorite contestants struggle to find love, create weird love triangles, and occasionally go to “the boom-boom” room.

But what may surprise you about “Bachelor in Paradise” is that this show has created more successful couples (couples that have stayed together long term, gotten married, had kids, etc.) than either “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.”

Many of us are taught that we must chose the right person — this is the premise of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.” If we have enough choices, we’ll be able to find the right person to make us happy. If we have 25 eligible singles, through a process of comparison, we’ll be able to find the one person we should marry. If we don’t find them, it’s because we need more choices.

Thinking this way doesn’t typically hold up — in real life or in reality television.

What “Bachelor in Paradise” gets right is that, while choice is important, building a relationship is more important. On “Bachelor in Paradise,” contestant spend a lot more time with potential partners. They can have multiple types of interactions, and have longer, uninterrupted conversations. These contestants can start building relationships.

As is the case in all these TV shows, the romance is put into warp speed. But even in warp speed, “building” is more important than “choice.”

Sure, if you make a bad choice, it won’t matter how much you try to build a relationship, it probably won’t end well. But there are many people out there with whom you could build a happy and healthy relationship.

If you get so bogged down in choosing instead of building, you may miss out on some great opportunities. What’s more, you can always convince yourself that there is a better choice out there. Often when we do that, it’s not about the choices that are presented to us, but rather protecting ourselves and our insecurities.

So, if you are going to take advice from reality television, I’d recommend “Bachelor in Paradise.” It’s by no means perfect, but it paints a better picture of how to create lasting and loving relationships.

Jacob Priest is a licensed marriage and family therapist and University of Iowa professor. He co-hosts the Attached Podcast. Comments: priestjb@gmail.com