A Family Affair: Are you an ‘Everything is Awesome’ or ‘Everything is Awful’ person?

I try not to write these columns when I’m stressed out, mad, frustrated, or in any other way emotionally spent. Trying to communicate ideas in writing requires thoughtfulness — especially when talking about relationships. Some days that thoughtfulness is easier to find than others.

I also try not to write these columns when I’m too excited. As my wife could tell you, I’m easily excitable. My excitement often leads me to jump from thought-to-thought or from story-to-story without completing them — something that is also not good when try to express ideas in writing.

When writing the column for today, I found myself vacillating between being emotionally spent and excited. I’m excited because I love being back on campus at the University of Iowa. It’s great to see students in the halls, to feel the energy of being in a classroom and to think about teaching ideas that I’m so passionate about. At the same time, I’m incredibly frustrated. UI hasn’t taken any of the evidenced-based precautions that our peer institutions in the BIG 10 have taken to protect us against COVID-19. And cases are once again beginning to climb — threatening the very energy that gets me excited.

In my work as a therapist, I’ve met many people that have these conflicting emotions — especially in their close relationships. In trying to reconcile them, I’ve seen two common responses.

The first I like to label the “Everything-Is-Awesome” response. When faced with both exciting possibilities but also sadness, pain or anger, these people push down the latter and only focus on the positive in their relationships. This can be an effective strategy short-term, but when we ignore sadness, pain or anger it doesn’t go away — it festers. Eventually, the pain and anger that these people have carried for so long will come flooding back, often with such speed and force that it can overwhelm relationships.

The second I like to label the “IDGAF” response. These people focus on the pain and sadness and use that as an excuse to do whatever they want. Instead of saying that “everything is awesome,” they think “everything is awful” and because it’s awful, I’m not responsible to do anything about it. They might say things like “it’s the other person's fault, so they need to change.” Again, this can be an effective strategy in the short run, but these people often lose people who are important to them and end up becoming more and more isolated.

The main problem I see with both responses is that don’t help relationships grow or help it find a way to have a healthy end. If a relationship is “awesome” then why try and change it. If a relationship is “awful” then it’s not worth saving. There is not accountability for anyone.

But I think there is a better way. Relationships produce both pain and frustration and joy and excitement, and to have healthy ones, we need to be able to acknowledge both. If we don’t acknowledge the awful, then we can’t ask our relationships to improve. And if we don’t acknowledge the awesome, we will miss out on some of the best experiences in life.

If we can see the awful and the awesome, we can then bring accountability to our relationships. When we hold ourselves and others accountable, we can make changes that allows for our relationships thrive.

Jacob Priest is a licensed marriage and family therapist and University of Iowa professor. He co-hosts the Attached Podcast. Comments: priestjb@gmail.com