Why We Stay in Abusive Relationships

The video of Ray Rice pounding his fist into his fiancee's face is cringe-worthy. But that was not the beginning of the abuse. How do I know? Because I've been in her position.

Years before I moved to Cedar Rapids and started working at The Gazette, I was in an abusive relationship. Back then, the prevailing attitude about being hit was 'You made your bed, now lie in it.” I cannot say my abuser's name because I never had him charged. But I remember how he tried to 'prepare” me to be his victim. I suspect it's a playbook that Rice followed, too.

First, they try to isolate you with comments such as 'Your family is so bossy. Let's not see them much.” You are blinded by love, so you agree.

If you have friends, you rarely see them. Abusers prefer that you stay home with them. Again, you believe they love you so much they want to be with you all the time.

If you are married, they control the money. You might get a small allowance, but they want to know how you spend it. Or you get no money at all and must answer for every penny they give you - even if you are working. You begin to feel isolated, unworthy, dependent.

I remember my first bruise. It was ugly and dark and the size of his fist. Someone noticed it on my left biceps. Who hit you? I was ready with excuses: 'Oh, he didn't mean it. It was an accident.”

Luckily for me, my abuser's job took him out of town for a few months. During that time, I started to peel back the shell he had oh, so very lovingly, coaxed me into. When he returned, he didn't like the changes in me. First, he tried romancing me. Then, when that didn't work, he started using his fists again. He was smart, though. He hit me where it wouldn't show. Until the last time when he slapped my face hard enough to leave a bruise. He was trying to get me to stop screaming.

I saw an attorney who told me to tell him I had a protective order. I couldn't afford to pay for one, but telling my abuser I had one kept him away. I saw a doctor, who made note of my bruises, including the one on my spine where I now have arthritis. I saw a way out, and I grabbed it.

Was it easy? No. I still felt alone. My abuser was such a nice guy, how could he be the monster I described? There had to be something wrong with me. I had to have done something to deserve the beatings. No, I did not. Nor does any woman or man who becomes someone else's punching bag. It is not a crime of passion. It is a crime of opportunity, created by and for the assailant.

When you see someone on the floor or bruised or with broken bones, don't think why doesn't she or he just leave. 'If someone hit me like that,” you think, 'I'd be out the door.”

No, you wouldn't. The preparation assures that.

During the time I was with my abuser, I earned a college degree. I had a responsible job. Yet, I stayed. Why? Maybe it was because my mother would beat me and my sisters, then tell us she was doing it because she loved us. Or maybe I foolishly believed the lie that he would change. Years after my own hell was over, I thought about how this man had become a monster. I wondered if his father was an abuser who, by example, showed his son how a relationship works. It's a 'lesson” I pray was never passed on.

' Suzanne Barnes was a writer at The Gazette for more than 35 years. She retired in 2007. Comments: barnes52302@gmail.com