Iowa: Don’t let Post-Caucus Withdrawal Disorder get you down

Feeling tired lately? Listless? A bit neglected? Even depressed? Fear not. According to a recent article in The New England Journal of Midwestern Diseases, you might simply be suffering from 'Post-Caucus Withdrawal Disorder” (aka, 'PCWD”), a serious but entirely treatable medical condition. Decades of research involving Iowa residents (mostly volunteers) have enabled scientists not only to identify the problem but, thankfully, treat it as well. To dissuade many of you from running to your local library to clip and save the sole copy of the article, I have taken the liberty of summarizing here ten of the remedies that have proved most beneficial for Iowans after the Presidential caucus season has concluded:

1. Visit a local diner in all 99 Iowa counties and get to know all 99 groups of retired farmers who drink coffee there every morning;

2. Take a woodworking class and learn to design a smaller yet equally serviceable speaker's podium, so more podiums can fit on one stage simultaneously;

3. Encourage your friends and family to increase the amount of ethanol in their gas tanks, just on principle alone. Safety instructions can be found at www.letscurepcwd.com;

4. Daydream at work about clever slogans for the next round of Presidential candidates (e.g., 'I'm Rick Perry And I Don't Need These Glasses To Have 20/20 Vision in 2020!”) and new things to say to mess with clueless, out-of-town reporters (e.g., 'I won't support any candidate who won't guarantee indoor plumbing for all Iowans!”);

5. Join your church choir to practice standing on risers for prolonged periods, thereby increasing your chances next time of being spotted behind candidates giving speeches on CNN;

6. Start peeling campaign stickers off your car bumper now because it will take a full four years to complete the job;

7. Create your own 'Field of Caucuses” by plowing out part of your cornfield in the shape of a giant, high school gymnasium, complete with a marching band, cheerleaders, and an American flag. Sell souvenir bobblehead dolls of the candidates and tell tourists in a hushed voice that when the sunlight hits just right, they might catch a glimpse of the ghost of Herbert Hoover;

8. Watch more reality TV shows and try to predict the next Presidential front-runner;

9. Develop a fun, interactive party game in which players must provide immediate responses to 'gotcha' questions.” Points are awarded based upon the extent to which answers are both insulting and nonresponsive; and, finally

10. Tell Mike Huckabee to leave your house and go home. Now. Really. Please. It's over, Mike.

I pray that these tips will save not just one life but the lives of many Iowans suffering from PCWD. I also hope that all of you will remember me with fondness and appreciation, particularly when you see me in your local diner in 2019, chatting with a group of retired farmers and campaigning to be your next President. You might want to clip and save this article so you won't forget.

' David Seery, a 1978 graduate of Washington High School in Cedar Rapids, is now a Deputy Corporation Counsel with the City of Chicago's Department of Law. Comments dseery@cityofchicago.org