Generations of Iowa women support equal parenting reform

Politics have been tearing families apart. Few issues can bridge the political divide. But in Cedar Rapids, three generations of women unite in favor of equal shared parenting time. Despite their differing, and even at times polarizing political views, three educated women agree: children don't need their mothers any more than they need their fathers. When both fit parents are ready, willing and able to love and care for the child equally, neither should be blocked due to outdated paradigms.

A Cedar Rapids grandmother and retired teacher, Joan is 83 years old. When she was growing up, divorce and single moms were not very common. Her dad played a very important role in the family. His value was respected. The women never questioned their important place in the family. None were bound to traditional roles. Joan was married and lost her husband to an untimely death while in college, when her son was a few months old. A very strong Czech woman, she persevered. She retired after 40 years teaching first and second grade. Yet all the while, her son Mike grew up without a father.

Mike is now 61 years old. He has fond memories of growing up near Bever Park, yet he always knew he didn't have what other children had - a father. While his grandfather played an important role in his life, the absence of a father was always noticeable to him. He always expected one day he would be a father. He imagined being a very actively involved father - he knew the value of what he didn't have. He wanted more for his daughter. He has always loved kids and still to this day, kids adore him. As an adult, little neighbor kids would knock on the door and ask: 'Can Mike come out to play?”

Then came his daughter, Natalie. Mike cherished every second with his little girl. She is now 30 years old. Her mom was from Iowa too. Her parents separated when she was about 2 years old. Because of family court, Natalie only knew her dad as an every-other-weekend (4 days a month) non-custodial dad. She lived primarily with her mom and they moved around a lot. Her dad fought for equal parenting time for many years, to no avail in family court. His pleas to be a more fully engaged father were never considered important to the court. But there was never any harm to Natalie in her father's care. With the limited parenting time, he lovingly nurtured her with fun engaging activities, and tried to teach her life lessons along the way. She didn't spend much time with her paternal side of the family. When a father's time is reduced, participation with paternal relatives is further depleted.

All too often, fit, loving responsible fathers who fight for equal parenting time in court are actually considered uncooperative trouble makers because they aren't content with being an every-other-weekend dad. Still today, outdated laws, and often gender bias or uninformed judges, are too often artificially and unnecessarily creating fatherlessness, or rather, dad-deprived children.

When Natalie was 17 years old, Mike met me. I am a nationally known advocate for a child's right to both parents. I have been fighting for 22 years to remove the obstacles that prevent both fit parents from being fully and equally involved in the lives of their children after divorce and separation.

Without a presumption for parental equality as a starting place in law, family courts too often consider dads the less than important parent. Judges and policy makers are often mislead to believe children need just one home. In fact, credible research is clear - when parents are no longer together, children who spend equal time with each fit parent have the best outcomes, second only to intact families. Equal parenting also reduces conflict.

We are three women who represent opposite politics and different generations. Yet, all three of us agree, both fit parents are equally important to children of all ages and the laws should change to equally protect a child's relationship with both parents.

Iowa politicians have a chance to truly reach across the aisle for the sake of children with SF 313, HF 819, SSB 1003 and HF 202. Equal parenting laws are long overdue. Equal parenting has been mislabeled a 'men's rights issue.” But equal parenting is an issue that promotes the well-being and best interests of children as well as women, men, grandparents, extended family and society.

Molly K Olson is a policy adviser to Families United Action Network in Iowa.