Friends don’t let friends get divorced

By Jenny Bioche

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I am on the phone with a close friend as she tells me about a married couple we both know possibly separating after a full year of unemployment. They have a toddler, and living far from family was taking its toll. This was terrible news, but what disturbed me even more was the dismissive tone of my friend, who acted like their divorce would be no big deal.

I replied: “These are friends of ours, and they have a daughter, I think we owe it to them to help them reconcile.” My friend's response was predictably disappointing: “Well - I can't get involved.” To which I replied, “Why not?”

Browsing the Internet recently, I ran across a blog posted at public discourse.com. The entry, written by Ashley McGuire, was titled “No-fault divorce hurts women, men and children. So why is it still legal?: (http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2013/05/10031/). I started reading, and her premise of marriage contracts being more easily dissolved than cellphone contracts grabbed my attention.

“It is no secret that marriage is in a state of severe crisis in America …. In this country you can come home from work and tell your spouse the marriage is over and he or she can do nothing but cry, and fight for the best financial payout possible. Try doing that with Verizon. Or while under contract to buy a home. Or with your gym membership. You'll get laughed at.” I couldn't agree more.

And now it's spring in America, and thousands of couples are heading to the chapel for nuptials, their friends and family members tearing up and taking photos, followed by cake and dancing - as it should be.

But if we RSVP to a wedding, then what is our personal obligation to the couple getting married? If we celebrate their commitment, we can also celebrate their ongoing commitment, even when they themselves start to doubt they can uphold it. After all, the vow usually includes a promise of “'til death to us part,” as opposed to “'til we change our minds.”

Some will argue that it's none of our business. If a couple want to part years later over an affair, an addiction, or “irreconcilable differences,” really, there's nothing we can do. I'm not so sure.

We can observe, be concerned and charitably be part of the solution. Maybe that's talking privately to a friend about late nights at the office with an attractive colleague. Maybe that's gently approaching someone turning to alcohol about his stress triggers. Offering child care to a couple for a weekend out of town without the kids can work wonders. Or maybe we voice concerns to a friend considering marriage to the wrong person. Yes, they might unfriend you on Facebook. But that's a small price to pay.

I'll admit approaching a troubled couple is intimidating, and I'm not always victorious in this area.

Retrouvaille.org is one option for couples on the brink of separating or divorcing. There are retreats nationwide with trained volunteers, usually married couples who survived near divorces, with specific strategies in place to help communication and reconciliation. The retreats are followed by ongoing meetings, with a built-in community of pro-marriage (therefore anti-divorce) support. Not a bad place to start.

We also need to do away with no-fault divorce laws, and treat marriage like any other legally binding contract.

Divorce has a toxic effect on communities, and we need to lower our tolerance of it. Imagine a world where instead of saying “oh well,” to divorce, we say “not a chance.” We keep families intact, children at one address, free up the court system, and look forward to celebrating not just weddings, but 10-, 25- and 40-year anniversaries.

Champagne anyone?

Jenny Bioche of Marion is a freelance writer and blogs on marriage and other topics at www.thepublishedwriter.blogspot.com. Comments: jbioche@mchsi.com