The Ro?Tel Ratings -- We have Red-A-Geddon

This is central casting and I don't know which way to go. Maybe you can help me.

I want to film "Red Dawn II -- The Red-A-Geddon" this weekend in Madison. So, which side is Swayze and Sheen and which side is the Soviet and Cuban invaders?

Sconnie's got to be Swayze and Sheen, right? The Badgers are the ones being invaded. Nebraska is this new red scare that is so foreign to us. We don't know what they're capable of. Will Larry the Cable guy parachute into the Essen Haus pillage our Hühner Schnitzel? We have to bond together and save the Essen Haus. For if the Essen Haus falls, we all fall!

We all need to find our inner Swayze Sheen (I'm bonding them together for some sort of Wonder Twins power boost) and fight the red menace.

Which one was which again? Oh yes, we need to save Steve's because Steve's has Three Floyds beer. America needs Three Floyds. At least I do and, gosh darn it, that's a war worth fighting.

Wolverines!

Wait, that doesn't quite work here, does it?

1. Wisconsin (4-0)

Here's the sum total of Wisconsin's schedule so far: Southern Utah beat UNLV at Sam Boyd Stadium (it's in the middle of the Vegas desert) 41-16. Wisconsin beat UNLV in Madison, 51-17. The Cornhuskers will punch back. @BeingBielema might be real.

Last week: No. 1

Next: vs. Nebraska

2. Nebraska (4-0)

I watched Nebraska at Wyoming, some of it anyway. So odd seeing Nebraska at stadium that seats 29,181. Don't get me wrong, I love western mid-majorish football because it's on TV when I'm finished working. It reminded me of Iowa's trip to Miami (Ohio) in 2002. Just felt weird. Kind of cool, but weird. Anyway, Camp Randall will be a little different.

Last week: No. 2

Next: At Wisconsin

3. Michigan (4-0)

OK, now yell, "Wolverines!" Denard Robinson is electricity in cleats. Greg Mattison has the defense defending again. They face Minnesota and travel to Northwestern before Sparty. It's setting up well for Brady Jeff Garlin Hoke.

Last week: No. 4

Next: vs. Minnesota

4. Illinois (4-0)

Say what you want about Ron Zook, Illinois is running the ball well and playing nasty defense. This is a solid top 25 team even after losing three stars (Corey Liuget, Martez Wilson and Mikel LeShoure) early to the NFL.

Last week: No. 3

Next: vs. Northwestern

5. Michigan State (3-1)

The undercard for Red-A-Geddon is Sparty at the Horseshoe. Remember, Horseshoe doesn't have the gold pants suspensions, which includes starting RB, star WR and starting LT. The winner is a player in its division. The loser has to play its way back into it.

Last week: No. 5

Next: At Ohio State

6. Iowa (3-1)

Down is up in Iowa City. The no-huddle shotgun is in and deliberate zone runs are out. It's a riddle wrapped in an enigma. We are going through the looking, people!

Last week: No. 6

Next: Watching Red-A-Geddon

7. Ohio State (3-1)

Urban Meyer is watching, waiting.

Last week: No. 7

Next: vs. Michigan State

8. Penn State (3-1)

LB Michael Mauti (ACL) is a big loss. The Nits want Iowa in two weeks. They want Iowa bad.

Last week: No. 9

Next: at Indiana

9. Northwestern (2-1)

PersaStrong says he'll be ready for Saturday's Big Ten opener at Illinois. So much weight on one achilles tendon.

Last week: No. 8

Next: At Illinois

10. Purdue (2-1)

Purdue gets its shot at Notre Dame, which only kind of plays a Big Ten schedule. The Boilers announce themselves as contender or sushi this week.

Last week: No. 10

Next: vs. Notre Dame

11. Minnesota (1-3)

The Gophers are here only because Indiana is under them. That was ugly last Saturday night. What will it take for a victory at Michigan? Let the Gophers' D play with a net.

Last week: No. 11

Next: At Michigan

12. Indiana (1-3)

Dan McCarney notched his first victory as North Texas' head coach with a win over the Hoosiers last week. Shut up, it still counts.

Last week: No. 12

Next: vs. Penn State