The Ro?Tel Ratings -- Our heart is racing

Tonight, we hail all things Spartan.

The movie with Val Kilmer. He was a spy or something. Might've even had cheekbones at that point. The University of Dubuque. Yes, they are Spartans, too. We salute the adjective "spartan," which, according to whatever I just Googled and whatever I can remember from that freshman Latin class, means "showing the indifference to comfort or luxury traditionally associated with ancient Sparta."

Wait, sounds familiar. Quick Google of Mark Dantonio's hometown, yes, there it is, "Sparta."

There maybe no more sour of a puss in college football. Dantonio makes Oscar the Grouch look like Oscar the Bright, Sunny Day. He walks by milk and you need to check it.

But . . . but . . . when he answered the sideline lady's question with "My heart's racing" in the postgame maze of Michigan State's cataclysmic 37-31 defeat of Wisconsin on a good ol' Hail Mary, Dantonio wins style points.

Of course, you know Dantonio had a heart attack last season after a loss to Notre Dame. He missed a few weeks and made it back to guide the Spartans to a share of the Big Ten title. Then, last night he breaks out that line and a wry grin.

Nicely done, sir. A spartan bit of humor from a Spartan coach.

1. Michigan State (6-1, 3-0)

And the evil Dr. Dantonio goes back to his tropical island and twists the facemasks on tiny little helmets that he's had put on kitties.

Last week: No. 2

Next: at Nebraska

2. Nebraska (6-1, 2-1)

Yeah, the Ro?Tel Ratings are all about drama, so we're going for it, setting up our third No. 1 vs. No. 2 this season. We can't get enough juice up in this piece.

Last week: No. 3

Next: vs. Michigan State

3. Wisconsin (6-1, 2-1 Big Ten)

I blame the "great timeout debate" for bringing down the GNP by exactly one. I applaud Bielema's aggression. He was beaten by a bolt of lightning from that creepy hamburger god in that weird commercial with super models eating a giant hamburger. This is nothing to freak out about.

Last week: No. 1

Next: at Ohio State

4. Penn State (7-1, 4-0)

Snide and ultimately unwitty comment about Penn State not really having a QB. (But hey, 7-1 is 7-1.)

Last week: No. 4

Next: vs. Illinois

5. Michigan (6-1, 2-1)

Michigan has the toughest finish (Purdue, at Iowa, at Illinois, Nebraska and Ohio State) of any Legends Division contender. This is where the RichRodness kinda kicks UM in the knickers.

Last week: No. 5

Next: vs. Purdue

6. Ohio State (4-3, 1-2)

You know those signs in front of factories that say "No accidents in XX days!" Switch "accidents" with "suspensions" and fill in one week. The door is open for the Buckeyes to matter. The time is now.

Last week: No. 7

Next: vs. Wisconsin

7. Iowa (5-2, 2-1)

It's either going to be this:

"We've got the parachute situation, the heat shield, the angle of trajectory and the typhoon, there are just so many variables, I'm a little bit lost . . ."

"I know what the problems are, Henry. This could be the worst disaster NASA has ever experienced."

"With all due respect, sir. I believe this is going to be our finest hour."

Or this:

Whatever it is, it's going to be a wild Movember.

Last week: No. 8

Next: at Minnesota (BTN, 2:30 p.m.)

8. Purdue (4-2, 2-1)

Quality win over Illinois last week. Danny Hope's mustache is pleased. Now, bring it your finest meats and cheeses.

Last week: No. 10

Next: at Michigan

9. Illinois (6-2, 2-2)

Dropping like Evel Knievel in that above video.

Last week: No. 6

Next: Trying to figure out some stuff during bye week.

10. Northwestern (2-5, 0-4)

Like cell phone reception in Wind Cave, S.D., the Wildcats' bowl eligibility isn't happening.

Last week: No. 9

Next: at Indiana

11. Indiana (1-7, 0-4)

Tre Roberson looks fun. The defense is a road pond. Don't eat any of the fish.

Last week: No. 11

Next: vs. Northwestern

12. Minnesota (1-6, 0-3)

Well, OK then.

Last week: No. 12

Next: vs. Iowa