The Ro?Tel Ratings -- DOES THE BUNYAN TROPHY TALK?

We saw quite of a few shots of the Paul Bunyan Trophy last weekend, the bauble Michigan and Michigan State facemask each other at the bottoms of piles for every year. (Seriously, Commissioner Delany, do your thing.)

So many questions.

What's it made out of? Was there a particular lumberjack who modeled for it? What kind of ax is he holding? Does it talk? What are its eyes made of? Did Jeff Dunham make him? Does it give you splinters if it is indeed made out of wood? Does it haunt your dreams? Does it like sushi?

Is it taller than Dave Revsine? Is there room for Michigan State to put signage on it and make a buck? Is that a real beard? Is that a flannel shirt or cotton? What position did he play at Michigan State? Is the sideways cap a sign of the times or is Paul sort of a weenie? What does the belt buckle say, "If this truck is a rockin' . . ."

BUT SERIOUSLY, DOES IT TALK? BECAUSE IF IT TALKS, IT SHOULD BE DESTROYED. IF IT GETS IN THE WRONG HANDS . . . I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

We have another show down between the Ro?Tel Ratings Nos. 1 and 2.

Does the Bunyan Trophy play for Michigan State? Because if it does, Wisconsin gets to use the Paul Bunyan Axe Trophy it will most assuredly keep from Minnesota, which might chop off its foot.

1. Wisconsin (6-0, 2-0 Big Ten)

When Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is made into a movie using humans, I nominate Bret Bielema for Yukon Cornelius. Or the Bumble. Either way, line up for the Oscar train.

Last week: No. 1

Next: At Michigan State

2. Michigan State (5-1, 2-0)

Mark Dantonio might beat himself up over the Notre Dame loss, but only after he's done with his regularly scheduled beating up of himself.

Last week: No. 5

Next: vs. Wisconsin

3. Nebraska (5-1, 1-1)

I did a radio interview in Lincoln last week because, aw what the hey, Nebraska was on bye. Sorry, Lincoln. I tried to do it in my best Tom Osborne voice.

Last week: No. 4

Next: At Minnesota

4. Penn State (6-1, 3-0)

Yes, the Nittany Lions are 6-1. No, the Nittany Lions aren't 6-1. Yes, the Nittany Lions are 6-1. We could go on all night.

Last week: No. 6

Next: At Northwestern

5. Michigan (6-1, 2-1)

In two years, Denver Bronco fans will be clamoring (still don't know for sure what that is) for Denard Robinson to take over for Tim Tebow.

Last week: No. 2

Next: Chiropractor, for all that neck trauma from last week.

6. Illinois (6-1, 2-1)

The Illini are the worst of the best. Wait, is that a thing?

Last week: No. 3

Next: At Purdue

7. Ohio State (4-3, 1-2)

Ron Zook suspended all rational coaching decisions last week against Ohio State.

Last week: No. 7

Next: Recliner week

8. Iowa (4-2, 1-1)

Kirk Ferentz and staff are spinning plates . . . on a unicycle . . . over a tank of sharks . . . on a tightrope . . . and the rope is on fire. Every week.

Last week: No. 8

Next: vs. Indiana (BTN, 11 a.m.)

9. Northwestern (2-4, 0-3)

Like cell phone reception in the middle of Lake Superior, the Wildcats' bowl eligibility is fading.

Last week: No. 9

Next: vs. Penn State

10. Purdue (3-1, 1-1)

Hanging in there. Like my hairline.

Last week: No. 10

Next: vs. Illinois

11. Indiana (1-6, 0-3)

Hey, they made it back from Madison. Points from me.

Last week: No. 11

Next: At Iowa

12. Minnesota (1-5, 0-2)

The Gophers beat bye week, 3-0.

Last week: No. 12

Next: vs. Nebraska