The Ro?Tel Ratings

Thanks to Carol Hickey, the Ro ?Tel Ratings come with a star this week.

If Ro?Tel plays its cards right, it could be the name of an entire major-college football conference. RIP, Big 12 and Big East. Pitt beat writers had a tough day on Saturday. They had to cover and process an unbelievable defeat, and then they had to track down this little thing about the school leaving the Big East and booking it to the ACC.

Smoke clears, we have the Ro ?Tel Conference for the disenfranchised. Or the "Lonny, I would like you to meet Mohammet ... Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton" Conference. You know, like from "Animal House."

Tracking the vibe of Big Ten football, contemplating the genius of diced tomatoes and green chilies.

1. Wisconsin (3-0)

The Badgers rolled up 49-7 over Northern Illinois. The Badgers have played no one, you say? Well no, Wisconsin hasn't played anyone north of mattering. Still, pure dominance. Let the countdown to Red-A-Geddon, Nebraska at Wisconsin, begin.

Last week: No. 1

Next: vs. South Dakota

2. Nebraska (3-0)

Yes, the Cornhuskers allowed 38, but they also were up 44-17 at the time. Game was over. The cows were in the corn. I will take $2 from petty cash for tying that up nicely.

Last week: No. 3

Next: At Wyoming

3. Illinois (3-0)

That was a good, quality win against Arizona State. But hear this, this is process of elimination, the Illini's four-spot jump in the Tomato Ratings. Illinois is working toward solid top 25 status, nothing more.

Last week: No. 6

Next: vs. Western Michigan

4. Michigan (3-0)

Is Michigan back? You keep wondering, you keep waiting. It's like those slow moments in the "Friday the 13th" series when you're waiting for Jason to come back from decapitation. It was Jason, right?

Last week: No. 5

Next: vs. San Diego State

5. Michigan State (2-1)

Scientists have studied Michigan State football for years. Conclusions: They don't get it, either.

Last week: No. 4

Next: vs. Central Michigan

6. Iowa (2-1)

Speaking of Jason. After three-plus quarters of zombie football, arms outstretched and searching for brains, the Hawkeyes devoured Pitt's . . . brain?

Last week: No. 8

Next: vs. University of Louisiana-Monroe

7. Ohio State (2-1)

Ohio State quarterbacks Joe Bauserman and Braxton Miller combined for 4 of 18 for 35 yards. The defense allowed 240 yards rushing. Iowa petitions to get Ohio State on the schedule this season. Well, Iowa and a whole lotta other Big Ten schools.

Last week: No. 2

Next: vs. Colorado

8. Northwestern (2-1)

Someone Big Ten needed to clue in Northwestern on things top Big Ten teams don't do: 'Cats, don't go on the road to play Army. Don't go on the road in non-conf unless you are Ohio State. Were Ohio State.

Last week: no. 7

Next: Nap week

9. Penn State (2-1)

Hammering home the point that if you have two QBs, you really have no QBs.

Last week: No. 9

Next: vs. Eastern Michigan

10. Purdue (2-1)

No sudden movements, anyone. The Boilers are going station to station trying to save their coach.

Last week: No. 10

Next: Nap week

11. Minnesota (1-2)

Gophs won one for coach Jerry Kill last week. Good for them. Fantastic rebound.

Last week: No. 11

Next: vs. North Dakota State

12. Indiana (1-2)

That was a really nice win. Remember it.

Last week: No. 12

Next: At North Texas