Hlastradamus: His head's barely above water, but this week he'll swim in winnings

With all the treachery, deceit and skullduggery going on, Hlastradamus has his hands full. And that's just in his office.

The prophet was 4-4 against the spread last week for a season total of 24-23-2. Regrets, he's had a few. But then again, too few to mention. Or else he'd rather just forget them.

This week? Nothing but winning, babe.

But before we begin the prognostication, here's this:

You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

A hospital? What is it?

It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

UCLA +6 vs. USC. How could there be a favorite in this game?

Hawaii -34.5 vs. UNLV. Hawaii is representing the nation's best football conference, the WAC, against another of the Mountain West's foot wipes.

Nebraska +4.5 vs. Oklahoma. The Big 12 will bend over backwards to show its officials aren't out to get the Cornhuskers. Until the three straight phantom holding calls on the final Nebraska drive, anyway.

Fresno State +5.5 vs. Illinois. The Bulldogs lost by one point to Nevada. Illinois isn't Nevada. (Of course, Fresno also lost by 51 to Boise State.)

Boise State -37.5 vs. Utah State. Someone has to pay for last week. Utah State is in the wrong place at the wrong time. This spread could be covered in the second quarter.

Virginia Tech -4 vs. Florida State. Hlastradamus would pay to see a Virginia Tech-Connecticut Orange Bowl. He'd only pay $1.99, but he would pay.

Auburn -5.5 vs. South Carolina. The NCAA didn't free Cam Newton just to have Auburn blow this game. Never forget, folks, they're all in it together.