Dangerous Leader: When you hit the wall, find resilience

Dangerous leaders are resilient. Resilience is the ability to find happiness or success after a setback.

Pastor Charles Swindoll offered us the quick reference quote: “Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”

We all love a good quote, right?

But life is more than quotes and excellent graphics we can share on social media. When life gets tough and sets us back on our heels, those social shares are long forgotten.

As I reflect on my life experiences, I see many times I have slammed into a wall so broad and tall I wasn’t sure how I’d get over it. I also see the many successes that followed because of what I learned in those times, which I like to call “wtf moments.”

Those moments are episodic points in your life where nothing makes sense because you are experiencing a setback. It could be the loss of a job or a partner, the death of a loved one, or an opportunity that creates a big change, like a move or a promotion. Yes, even the good things can feel like a setback.

Kicking a football

Last weekend, my son was at a national event for football kickers. He picked up this passion about a year ago and has inspired me ever since. He has steadily progressed, and it was time to see how he ranks among his peers.

As we left Iowa, all we knew was that we were going to Tennessee with 500 of his fellow kickers, punters and long snappers, and he was going to kick. His dad, two older brothers and I were his support team. (Side note: My son’s father and I can share an AirBnB with no issue, which is a resilience story for another time.)

There were three rounds of “charting,” we learned. He would do kickoffs and field goals. Kickoffs were scored on hang time and distance; field goals were kicked in two sets of five. A short set ranged to 45 yards at its deepest, and a deep set ranged to 60 yards.

Charting session 1 was not his best performance. I could see him in his head after his first kickoff. Kickoffs are a work in progress for him. His training focus has been on field goals. As soon as the first one went wonky, I saw his head go down, his shoulders tighten, and I knew he was mentally defeating himself.

We have all been there, right?

Nerves and dealing with the unknown made his first charting session rough. However, as it progressed, I watched his shoulders pull back, his head come up, and he slayed a 50-yard field goal in his final kick of the session.

He walked off the field and said, “I am good. This is why there are three rounds, and I will be good in round two.”

We changed tactics and had him do his strongest event first in the second round. His brothers and dad cheered him and told him how proud they were of him for being there and for staying focused and committed. In this instance, he needed to hear that from the sports lovers in the family more than from me. Mom's encouragement is required at different times.

Finding focus

Resilience in action. And not in a vacuum. My kicker’s resilience was fed and watered by the players around him, the coaches who encouraged him, and the family who loved him no matter what.

He is lucky to have that. Not all of us do. But we are all capable of it.

In the “wtf moments” where you are asking yourself “where to focus” — wait, did you think “wtf” stood for something else? — anyway, in those “wtf moments,” choose carefully.

Choose the focus that has you moving through where you are. Ignore the temptation to keep digging or throwing yourself against the wall you are up against, trying to brute force it out.

What do you want, and how do you get it? Plan your steps, take them and move out of the setback.

Resilience is what dangerous leaders do. We don’t settle. We don’t let life dictate our sense of content. And we don’t let setbacks deter us from the life we know we can thrive in.

See you on the football field. Live Dangerously. Be You.

Jennifer Smith is a Cedar Rapids-based personal and executive coach, host of The Dangerous Leader Podcast, and unapologetic optimist. Comments: jennifer@dangerousleader.com; @drjennsmith