Republicans give me a ‘Golden Gavel’

Republicans must be in big trouble. Otherwise, why would they awarding me their coveted “Golden Gavel?”

“You’re an absolute legend, Todd,” said the email last week from the National Republican Congressional Campaign Committee.

Me, an obscure liberal columnist? A legend?

“You’ve been selected as a recipient of our Golden Gavel Award from House Republicans!

“Only the strongest, toughest, and bravest fighters in our battle for America’s future against the socialist agenda of the Radical Left are given this tremendous honor.”

Just wait until Iowa GOP chair Jeff Kaufmann hears how strong, tough and brave I am.

Surely, they’ll figure out I am the “radical left” any minute now.

Yep, they just convened “a full staff roundtable.” They got me. Please, don’t send me to Sudan.

“We were in and out just like that.” the email said.

“In fact, House GOP Directors were actually left in STUNNED SILENCE after your record was unanimously chosen for this TOP 1% honor.”

I’m sitting in stunned silence. The top 1%? Does that mean I get a big, fat tax cut?

The emails kept coming. One asked a very serious question.

“Do you feel safe speaking your mind?”

Well, speaking, or writing, my mind is my job. Seems safe, so far. Until the Ministry of Information eventually enrolls me in a summer patriotism camp.

“The First Amendment is the beating heart of our Republic”

You’ll get no argument here.

“Yet today, too many citizens wonder if it’s still safe to use their voice.

“Conservatives across the country feel pressure to stay silent on campuses, in workplaces, and in public life. When political views are treated as dangerous, liberty itself is at risk”

In Iowa, it’s campus liberals who have been pressured to remain silent. Never say diversity, equity or inclusion. Don’t even think it. And never disagree with a conservative. They might call in AG Brenna Bird.

Many of the Republicans I’ve encountered are loud, not silent. They use all caps. They want me to move to California.

Then Republicans declared an “EMERGENCY CENSUS ALERT.”

“Your immediate response could save 20+ House Seats from RADICAL Democrat control.

“Should Congress hold an EMERGENCY Census & exclude illegal immigrants from Congressional Apportionment?”

Pretty sure that would be unconstitutional. Sort of like ending birthright citizenship, ignoring congressional action and sending ICE to grab people off the streets.

But all weird things must come to an end.

“Dearest Todd, this is Timothy, and I am the Legacy Membership Director at House GOP.

”TRUE patriots like you don't come around often.

“Truthfully, it was bittersweet to see that a House GOP member with your distinguished record was planning to cancel your support going forward.”

I went from being a legend to Tim cutting me loose. I have to say, I’m going to miss Timmy and the gang.

Or, at least, I thought I was free.

“Todd — Kash Patel left the media STUNNED and speechless with an announcement that just SHUT DOWN the election-stealing scheme.”

I would be stunned if anyone actually believes any of this nonsense. But these are stunning times.

My Golden Gavel should arrive any day now.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com