Hiding my grief in the grind

She came to me in a dream.

It has been twenty years since her passing; I didn’t expect to find her in the depth of REM sleep, as ethereal and beautiful as always — but there she was, and we sat silently by the water watching the stars for a while.

Something about loss changes you. By that I mean to say — when you lose someone who has been an integral component of your life, it can dramatically impact your self-perception and your identity. Who am I without her? How do I relate to the world without the person who was my sounding board, my voice of reason, the person who laughed at my jokes or the only one brave enough to tell me what they really thought. The one whose opinions I took to heart. If it is someone whose care you were responsible for, there can be a sense of a loss of purpose. Who am I without the role that I played in his life? What does it mean for other relationships in my life? Do I feel safe enough to build bonds with new people?

When I lost Sarah at 19, I did not seek new social groups or counseling. I did not expend any energy learning coping strategies or do the work to process what had happened. A single mother of two small children, I went to college and got three degrees instead. I worked the entire time. I also volunteered — in political clubs, for campaigns, at nonprofits, at school events. I filled every moment of every day until I was so busy achieving or taking care of someone else’s needs that I didn’t have time to think about what it meant to exist in a world without my closest friend. Becoming a high achiever became the whole of my identity.

It is no wonder that the outcomes of grief sometimes include substance abuse disorder, compulsive behavior, depression, anxiety, risky behaviors, and workaholism. In fact — it seems the more incredibly driven, relentlessly ambitious people I talk to, the in-depth conversations about what motivates them to achieve often relate back to a story of grief or loss.

This phenomenon extends across industry; real estate agents, tech entrepreneurs, ministers, nonprofit leaders, and bestselling authors have recounted to me their experiences with loss and cited it as a driving force behind their marathon-like professional schedules. The trouble is — as Tony Robbins describes it — “Being a workaholic is a respectable addiction.” To the outside world, it is often accompanied by financial rewards, formal professional acknowledgment for dedicated service, promotions, and status. Often, those receiving public accolades and the trappings of success are silently suffering from their addiction.

Like any other compulsive vice, workaholism can serve as a means to escape the pain of dealing with overwhelming emotions. Our American cultural glorification of productivity and grind culture rewards those willing to give and give and give to the machine. A bevy of awards, certificates of recognition, biographical newspaper articles, and certificates of completion fill several shelves in my home. None of the writing on these artifacts describes the burnout, fractured relationships, or unresolved emotional pain that accompanies the effort and time it took to earn them. The cycle of distraction can drag on and on, delaying the process of healing and making it more difficult to ever find the time.

Grief can last a very long time. A 2020 study found that grief reactions after bereavement were associated with poorer mental and physical health, as well as increased reliance on health care services. Prolonged Grief Disorder is a mental health condition characterized by intense, persistent grief that lasts more than a year and significantly impairs an individual's ability to function and adapt to life after a loss. PGD has been found to affect 1 in 10 adults who experience the death of someone close. In 2023, HHS released a report that explained PGD’s associated comorbidities; including PTSD, depression, and anxiety that only serve to prolong the pain.

Reaching out for help as a high achiever can truly feel like an impossible task. It defies who you believe yourself to be … the one who gets things done, the one people look to as opposed to the one who needs to lean on other people. Grief services can serve as an essential tool to regain a healthier perspective and to implement healthier behaviors.

Organizations seeking to improve workplace wellness should consider acknowledging workaholism as a potential grief response, and advocate for staff to access available EAP services. To those of you who have found themselves overwhelmed in the cycle of taking on the world to avoid taking on the pain — it is OK to make the call. It is OK to make the appointment. It is OK if the improvement doesn’t happen overnight. To those in positions to have impact at a policy level — mental health services are not a luxury. The consolidation of mental health and substance abuse services, and the move to distribute funds at the state level rather than by region is a start — but we continue to face an abysmally insufficient availability of psychiatric beds, and the limited funding available still is leaving people in a lurch who cannot wait.

If you are struggling with grief in Linn County, please visit the following resource to seek support that meets your economic needs: https://www.linncountyiowa.gov/1458/Mental-Health-Resources

Sofia DeMartino is a Gazette editorial fellow. sofia.demartino@thegazette.com