A chat with Joan Rivers

Here are excerpts from Diana Nollen's Oct. 9 interview with Joan Rivers, via phone from her home office on Manhattan's Upper East Side.

Rivers will be performing at 7 and 10 p.m. Nov. 6 in the Diamond Jo Casino's Mississippi Moon Bar in Dubuque. Tickets are $50 and $75 at the Mississippi Moon Bar Box Office and www.diamondjo.com Admission restricted to ages 21 and over.

DIANA: It's such a pleasure to speak with you. I've been a fan of yours forever.

JOAN: Well thank God.

DIANA: Do you live in Manhattan?

JOAN: I live smack in Manhattan and I have a little country house which I adore, that I go to when I'm not working on weekends, in Connecticut

DIANA: I was looking on your Web site: Do you still have Max, Veronica and Lulu?

JOAN: I have Max. Lulu and Veronica are in Heaven. I should take them off (the site) because it hurts. We now have Samantha, who has joined us. We have Max and Samantha, both rescues.

DIANA: What kind of dogs are they?

JOAN: Well, we're not sure. We think Max is a Pekingese. We're willing to accept that. We think Samantha is some kind of a Havanese, some kind of a mix like that. We just don't go to dog shows so we never get hurt. But I adore rescues. Melissa has two rescues. Oh, look who just walked into the room? Samantha – good girl.

DIANA: I also saw on your Web site a picture of you with one of your dogs in your purse. Did you start the craze of carrying dogs around in purses?

JOAN: That was my darling Spike. I took him everywhere. He was one of those magical dogs that knew enough to shut up. He sat next to me all the way to Rome. He sat next to me always in planes and nobody ever complained because nobody ever knew. I never had someone say “I don't like dogs” because they didn't know. He would sit for five hours and not make a move. He was just fabulous.

DIANA: You are appearing at the Laurie Beechman Theatre through October?

JOAN: I'm all over. Every Wednesday night in New York I play this little tiny theater. I've just come back from Canada; I'm going over to England. I'm just going. San Francisco. But every Wednesday night if I'm in New York, I'm at this little tiny room that holds 100, and you just get in there and talk. It's fabulous -- and everything comes out.

DIANA: I see a portion of the proceeds are going to your charities, God's Love We Deliver and Guide Dogs for the Blind. Are those nationwide or New York efforts?

JOAN: Guide Dogs for the Blind is national, God's Love We Deliver is local. I'm also chairman of osteoporosis and I was chairman of cystic fibrosis. There's so many good charities. I just walked the Great Wall in China for cancer. There's a lot of charity going on. But it's also fun.

DIANA: Do they seek you out or do you seek them out?

JOAN: You have certain ones that you love. Like Guide Dogs, my mother was going blind at the end, and (the organization) is such a relief -- you just give somebody their life. (Joan said later that her mother had glaucoma and it “was really getting bad.”)

And God's Love was giving AIDS patients originally special home-cooked meals. Now we've branched out because AIDS now is chronic more than a death sentence. Now we give it to anyone that needs a good meal. We don't ask. If you call us you get it.

It's whatever very aware of that strikes you. I lived with man for nine years that only had one leg; he had lost it in the war. To this day, I still look at how does somebody get in, how does somebody get out. Whatever's yours is what you look for.

DIANA: For all the barbs that you have so famously slung, I found this on a list of Joan Rivers quotes: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”

JOAN: And if you don't understand that, you're an idiot.

DIANA: That's a softer side of you than we generally see – are you just a big softy deep down?

JOAN: I think everybody is. … I just think people that don't appreciate the good are idiots. Maybe it's because of my age, but you look around and say, “Stop complaining. You're so lucky.” We're so lucky. You go to China or you go to Nepal, you come back and say, “Excuse me, what are you talking about?”

DIANA: How often do you do your standup show each year?

JOAN: A lot, at least the way I'm going to be doing it in the casino. I do about 100 of those a year. I call those concerts. I do my thing every Wednesday night, so about 150 nights a year. And it becomes little tours. You go out. I'll do a tour through England or I'll do a tour through Ireland and Scotland.

DIANA: How do you keep in such good shape? Do you do yoga or anything?

JOAN: I wish. I walk -- a fast walk. I wish I could say I jog, but why lie? I have a treadmill; I do that every single day. I do free weights. I'm that idiot you that you hate in the airport that walks the stairs. I just read in the New York Times if everybody walked up three flights of stairs a day, it would be better than half an hour jogging. I'm lucky I live in a two-story apartment so I'm always up and down the stairs.  

DIANA: You were raised in New York City?

JOAN: I'm a New York girl. I was raised in the suburbs. I started in Brooklyn and then they moved to Larchmont. And my big dream was, I'm moving to the city whenever I can.

DIANA: How old were you when you moved?

JOAN: I was all grown up; right after college, I had to be 21.

DIANA: When did you realize you were funny and could make people laugh?

JOAN: Always. My family is funny. My father was funny, my sister's funny, my grandson is funny. I think it's all genetic, absolutely genetic. Melissa's funny.

DIANA: You got your start professionally in the ‘50s and early ‘60s.

JOAN: No, in the ‘60s, the mid-60s, which is long enough.

DIANA: You didn't have too many women before you blazing that comedy trail did you.

JOAN: Oh who cares? There've always been funny women. There's been Lucille Ball, and the Fanny Brices. When you look back, Mae West was really a comedienne, when you think about it. So there've always been funny ladies. I was probably the first very strong stand up, that didn't do music or anything like that – that just went out and talked. But I never thought about. I just said this is what I do.

DIANA: Did you have a mentor?

JOAN: No. Nobody has ever mentored me. Never, no, including today. I have never been the critics' darling. I've never been the intellectuals' darling. I've never been anybody's darling. But the people think I'm funny and that's just fine.

DIANA: Who did you admire and want to emulate in those early days?

JOAN: Nobody.

DIANA: Who do you admire now?

JOAN: Nobody. I don't look. I just do my own thing. I always think of myself as a horse with blinders on and I just do what I do and say what I think. I run my own race. … There are a lot of very good comedians out there, but I just don't bother. I just get on stage and do what I do. I think you have to if you're going to stay unique and relevant. You do what you want to do and say what you want to say.

The only two great ones that I saw in my lifetime: one was Lenny Bruce. You just can't even describe him – he was so head-and-shoulders above everybody. And then Richard Pryor. Those were the two I have to say “oh my God.”

DIANA: You seem close to Kathy Griffin.

JOAN: Yes, I love Kathy. I played her mother in “Suddenly Susan” and we got friendly. She's so good. She was an improve teacher in the beginning and Melissa took classes with her, so we go back forever. I'm so proud of what's happening to her and what's going on with her. All terrific and deserved.

DIANA: Has she ever looked to you to be sort of a mentor?

JOAN: I think so and I adore her. I just love her and I wish her so well and that's not many people I can say that about. … She's very smart.

DIANA: Where do you draw inspiration for the things you talk about?

JOAN: Oh, everything. I'm looking at the paper, the New York Times today. The whole thing. If I was in New York performing tonight. Brooke Astor's son, that would be the first thing I'd be talking about. I love that Obama got the peace prize, but meanwhile, couldn't get us the Olympics, so they gave him the peace prize. Anything that catches your fancy, you walk on stage and say, “my God, I just thought of this.”

DIANA: What makes you laugh?

JOAN: Anything that you can't handle otherwise. In my act are 9/11 jokes, I was here when it happened. Anything death, because it's such a trauma for all of us. Aging. Anything you wake up at night and go “oh my God,” I'll make a joke of it the next morning.

DIANA: What brings you joy?

JOAN: Are you kidding? My whole life, my whole life. And of course, if you're a parent, if your child's happy you're happy. If Melissa's having a good day, I'm having a good day. And Melissa's having a good day only if Cooper's having a good day. So if you say, “How are you,” you'll know how my whole family is.

DIANA: You've made a career of dishing it out to just about everybody, from Liz Taylor to Princess Anne.

JOAN: To Whitney Huston, to Patrick Swayze. Let's go more current. To Amy Winehouse, to God knows whoever I'm talking about now.

DIANA: Does it ever bother you when those arrows are turned the other way and they're aimed at you?

JOAN: No. As a matter of fact, I just did the Comedy Central roast, and I thought it was hilarious. No.

DIANA:  I saw a clip of that, and when you first laid into them, I thought you were going to cry.

JOAN: No, that's called acting.

DIANA: Then I thought, “She's a really good actress.”

JOAN: Ah-ha! That got great numbers – the highest numbers they've ever gotten in a roast. They were very excited about the roast. And it was a very good roast.  It was a perfect storm. Everybody was good; nobody was weak on it, and that was terrific.

DIANA: I saw the red carpet interview before the roast, and you even mentioned your husband. Are there any topics that are off-limits to you?

JOAN: If I say it, then I can say it. If it's off limits I won't talk about it. Don't go after my grandson and don't go after my daughter. Go after me. Those are the only topics you don't start with me; everything else is fine.

DIANA: You looked visibly upset when Melissa was on Donald Trump's show.

JOAN: Well, when those girls are such bitches, damn right. You didn't see the back side. You just saw what they wanted to show you. I told her that morning they're going to throw you under the bus and the did. One was vicious, one was incredibly stupid.

DIANA: I saw on your Web site that you once performed for Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip. Did you have to soften your show for them?

JOAN: No, and it was wonderful. You just choose different material. It's the Queen of England, so I'll talk more about aging and the old men that I date. You pick different things. I'm not going to talk about things that are necessarily going to make her upset: Women's bodies have dropped and their vagina's on the floor. Even though she's got a great sense of humor, I don't think I'm the one to say that. She can get that on my CD. You just work a little more careful, that's all.

DIANA: Did she laugh?

JOAN: Oh yes. And Phillip laughed. He has a wonderful laugh. I've done two for Prince Charles so far, so I've done a lot of royal command performances.

DIANA: He seems like he probably would have laughed.

JOAN: Oh, he's great. The whole family has got terrific senses of humor. They just can't show it. You can't stand there and laugh at people, but back at the palace, I'm sure they say, “Did see the woman who was wearing ...”

DIANA: When you come to Dubuque in early November, what kind of show will people see?

JOAN: Exactly what they would have seen if they had come to Vegas a month ago, or San Francisco last weekend. It's what I call my concert. It's exactly the way Kathy Griffin goes around. So it's just me talking about everything.

DIANA: Do you do any interaction with the audience?

JOAN: If it's a gay audience I do.

DIANA: If I remember your radio spot correctly, you said it would be your first visit to that area. Do you recall if you've been to Iowa before?

JOAN: Oh I'm sure I've been to Iowa. I figured out about two years ago the only place I haven't been is South Dakota.

DIANA: It's actually pretty interesting. I was there when I was about 7 and I remember Mount Rushmore and all that.

JOAN: I'll bet it's great and I want to take Cooper there. If you remember it at 7, then it's good.

DIANA: What do you think of when you hear “Iowa.”

JOAN: America, and I think of – this sounds so corny -- good people, because you  always say that's the heartland. All the clichés. This is our country, these are Americans. These are the ones whose ancestors had the guts to go out and settle. I think strong women. Cliché, cliché, cliché.

DIANA: Yeah, it's all true.

JOAN: All right, I'll probably find weak women, everybody's first generation.

DIANA: You have done so many different facets of showbiz – what is your most proud achievement?

JOAN: That I'm still here, that I'm still continuing to be in demand. It's an amazing phenomenon. I always said, if you're beautiful and you become an actress, you'll have a wonderful life. But it will be very short, your career. But if you're not so gorgeous, but you're funny, as long as you're funny, you can work. And that's wonderful. So attention homely, funny people: Life is very good.

DIANA: Well, you're absolutely gorgeous.

JOAN: Oh yeah, right. I'm at that age where they tell you you have nice skin.

DIANA: Any regrets?

JOAN: No. The regrets are things I haven't done rather things I have done. I always  can look back and say I've tried. I would have loved to have had another child, but I had two miscarriages and a tubal pregnancy, so it's not as if I didn't try. It wasn't a choice. Every choice – and it's a great lesson to learn in life – it's all turned out to be the right choice even though at the time you don't know it.

DIANA: What's left for you to attempt or accomplish?

JOAN: Everything, everything. I want to go back to Broadway, I want to write two more books. Melissa and I have been offered a reality show I would love to take. We're talking about that now and figuring that out. Just everything, everything. I want to get an Academy Award; I've gotten an Emmy, I've been nominated for a Tony, but that's not enough. My grandmother was a very wise woman, and she said, I wish for her grandchildren that they should always want. When you think about it, that's what drives you. There should always be another hill to go over. Cliché, cliché, cliché, but it's true. Oh, I want to do that, or I want to try that, or I want to go there.

DIANA: What do you like to do to kick back and relax?

JOAN: I paint and I read a lot.

DIANA: Watercolor or oil?

JOAN: Oh no, watercolor's much too difficult. … You can't fix it. Once you've done it you'd better be good, because you're done with it. Oil, you can mush it around and just paint over it.

DIANA: Have you had any showings of your artwork?

JOAN: Let me just tell you I've been painting for 15 years and my friends have all come and looked at it and no one has ever asked for a painting. There has not been a showing. They come into my studio, and they look around and we'll spend an afternoon painting if we're in Connecticut in the winter, because everybody likes to fool around with paint. All my stuff is up and nobody has ever said, “Ooh, can I have that?” So I don't have to worry about an art showing.

DIANA: What kind of books do you like to read?

JOAN: Biography. I adore biography. I just finished a great one on Marie Antoinette's daughter, called "Maria Theresa." And the daughter lived. The son was killed, the mother and father were killed. The daughter went through all the horror of the revolution, went through all those prisons, saw the father go to the Bastille, they guillotined the mother, the brother died, and the daughter, they let her go at the end. Fascinating, fascinating.

DIANA: We've talked a little bit about your age. Are you comfortable telling me your age?

JOAN: Oh 76, everybody knows it.

DIANA: Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?

JOAN: I beg you, if there are seven gays, ask them to come, because they make a show. They laugh and they're wonderful. They're great leaders of an audience.  Calling all gays!