Big Ten football rankings: Bortenschlager rocks!

These are Big Ten football rankings. They are subjective. Or objective. Or objectionable. I don't know, go ask Merriam-Webster.

1.

Penn State

5-0 (2-0)

5-0 (2-0)

Saturday, Saquon Barkley opened his team's 45-14 win over Indiana by returning a kickoff 98 yards for a touchdown. In the fourth quarter, he threw a TD pass. But he rushed 20 times for only 56 yards. Come on kid, get with it!

 

2.

Wisconsin

4-0, 1-0

4-0, 1-0

The Badgers recorded eight quarterback sacks in their 33-24 win over Northwestern. If fans in Madison had a postgame beer for every Wisconsin sack they would … well, who'd know the difference?

 

3.

Michigan

4-0, 1-0

4-0, 1-0

Jim Harbaugh was right about Purdue having lousy dressing room facilities for visiting teams. Lousy dressing room facilities are no good. You know what else is no good? Complaining publicly about something like that after some fat cat footed the bill so you could take your team to Rome last spring.

 

4.

Ohio State

4-1, 2-0

4-1, 2-0

With the Buckeyes' 56-0 beating of Rutgers Saturday, they have outscored the Scarlet Knights 219-24 over the last four years. They'll meet again next year in Columbus, unless humanitarians intervene.

 

5.

Maryland

3-1, 1-0

3-1, 1-0

Third-string quarterback Max Bortenschlager did just fine in his first start for the Terps in a 31-24 win at Minnesota. He has the best quarterback name since Chuck Long.

 

6.

Michigan State

3-1, 1-0

3-1, 1-0

On the drive home from East Lansing Saturday night/Sunday morning, I stopped at a gas station/convenience store in Paw Paw that advertised Nibbles Home Style Food. It's a dog's life, sportswriting.

 

7.

Nebraska

3-2, 2-0

3-2, 2-0

What if I'd told you two weeks ago that Nebraska would have a 2-game lead over Iowa in the Big Ten West? What if I'd told you two weeks ago that O.J. Simpson might be moving to a neighborhood near you in October?

 

8.

Iowa

3-2, 0-2

3-2, 0-2

The Hawkeyes need to step it up to move up these rankings and the one with four-letter names (acronyms excluded), Right now, it's 1. Navy (4-0); 2. Utah (4-0); 3. Troy (4-1 with a win at LSU Saturday), 4. Duke (4-1), 5. Iowa (3-2), 6. Army (3-2); 7. Ohio (4-1); 8. Rice (1-4).

 

9.

Northwestern

2-2, 0-1

2-2, 0-1

Wildcats Coach Pat Fitzgerald, on his team repeatedly failing to convert 3rd-and-1 situations at Wisconsin: 'It's embarrassing. Third-and-1 and you get your lips knocked off.' The team's plastic surgeon will be busy this week.

 

10.

Purdue

2-2, 0-1

2-2, 0-1

Joe Tiller, who died Saturday, was a great addition to the Big Ten when he became the Boilermakers' coach in 1997. He always seemed like a fine guy. Purdue football was really fun to watch over his 12 seasons, and he won 10 more Big Ten games than he lost.

 

11.

Indiana

2-2, 0-2

2-2, 0-2

With their loss at Penn State, the Hoosiers have dropped their last 35 games against top-10 teams. Lose 30 in a row to top-10 teams, it's a coincidence. But 35 in a row is a pattern.

 

12.

Minnesota

3-1, 0-1

3-1, 0-1

The Gophers entered the game with the nation's No. 1 rushing defense, 59 yards allowed per game. But when the Big Ten bell rang Saturday, Maryland rushed for 262 yards on them. Tow the boat.

 

13.

Illinois

2-2, 0-1

2-2, 0-1

The Illini lost 28-6 to Nebraska last Friday night in Champaign. The game hurt attendance of Nebraska high school games that evening. But oddly, it increased crowd sizes at prep games in Illinois.

 

14.

Rutgers

1-4, 0-2

1-4, 0-2

Down 56-0 to Ohio State, Rutgers tried a 32-yard field goal in the game's last minute. It bounced off the right upright. Which isn't all bad, because it gives Rutgers something to work on this week.