Cable News, Circa 1863

This is the Union News Channel. Now, let's go live to Gettysburg for the president's speech ...

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

“But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate - we cannot consecrate - we cannot hallow - this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us - that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion - that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain - that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

OK, President Lincoln is wrapping up. I'm Hiram Matthews. Welcome back to Hardcannonball. Panel, what did you think of the speech? Zebadiah?

“I have to say, Hiram, I think the president really squandered a moment here. He's on a battlefield, where terrorist rebels spilled union blood just months ago, with a war still raging, and he goes all squishy and conciliatory. Where's the fire, where's the anger, where's the backbone? Instead, we get a civics lesson. Four score? He scored zero.”

Nathaniel, your take?

“He's on a national stage, and says, what, 270 words? No details, all fluff. No mention of the economic mess, war debt, suspending Habeus Corpus. He got one thing right, the world will little note this clunker.”

Wow. Tough stuff. Ezekiel?

“He had to lay the groundwork in Pennsylvania, a swing state, for his 1864 campaign. Fine speech, catchy lines, but I don't think he got it done. We'll see the telegraphic tracking polls tomorrow, but I just didn't feel it.”

You heard the panel folks. The railsplitter gets taken to the woodshed. Ouch.

Up next, you won't believe what Gen. Grant said about Lincoln to a Harper's Weekly reporter ...

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