Last Minute (Fake) Gift Ideas

Today's print column

Time is running out for holiday shopping procrastinators. Here's a handy catalog of last-minute (fake) gift ideas.

Downtown Commut-a-Chopper - Closed streets. Demolished parkades. Downtown commuting will be tough. But you can fly above it all in this portable helicopter, which folds into a handy carrying case. (Crash helmet not included) ... $4,999.95

Speed Camera Smile Mask - Worried speed and red-light cameras might catch you looking like a gloomy Gus? This smile mask makes sure you're always wearing a toothy grin. It's durable polymer will look great through hundreds, perhaps thousands, of photos. Big enough to be seen at any speed ... $12.95

The Plinth - You'll crumble over this handsome, hefty replica of the Sinclair smokestack plinth. It's a perfect addition to patio or den that's sure to spark conversation, such as “What the (beep) is a plinth?” ... $99.95

Ron Corbett Action Figure - Your kids will banish a culture of delay and battle nattering naysayers with this fully-equiped mini mayor. Comes with “decision-maker” laser gavel, pinstriped power suit, “revitalizer” construction helmet and removable goatee ... $16.95

Historic Parking Garages and Sewers of Cedar Rapids - This lush, glossy photo book, commissioned by FEMA, features stunning views of the city's parking and sewage history. Comes with a companion book “Sidewalks of the Turbulent Sixties.” ... $29.95

Gronstalled 2011 (For Wii, Xbox and PlayStation) - In this action-packed game, Gov. Terry Branstad tries to get his agenda items past Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal, who vaporizes them with a vast array of procedural weapons. Cutting-edge graphics, stereo sound. Rated T for tedious ... $49.95

“Unadulterated B.S.” A fragrance by Council member Chuck Wieneke - “The Colonel” brings us this provocative parfum, inspired by the rough and tumble debates of the City Council. Words can't quite describe it, but he knows it when he smells it ... $9.95

Cologne de Cinq Odeurs - A malty, big-shouldered scent strong enough for five seasons, with a hint of Crunchberry ... $4.25

iKolache - This small, round tablet computer comes with 4G speed, hundreds of apps and a delicious fruit filling ... $699.95

“Inanimate Live - The Dorman Interviews” - An archive-quality audio CD contains my best interviews with inanimate objects, including the Sinclair Smokestack, Corps of Engineers flood model and an empty chair. Narrated by my therapist ... $1.05

Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@sourcemedia.net