Pants-Free Parenting: Help children gain independence little-by-little

My daughter was 6 months old when I first heard a friend of a friend tell a story about how she trained her 4-year-old to get his own breakfast, so she could sleep longer in the mornings.

I was stunned. How? Why? And to be completely honest, it seemed a little selfish. Why have a kid if you can't make them breakfast?

Flash forward four years and here I am, eating those judgmental thoughts with the tiny plastic spoon that my 4-year-old uses to eat her cereal in the morning - cereal that she pours into her own bowl, and adds milk with her own little pitcher. Because, yes, I have taught my 4-year-old to get her own breakfast.

Teaching a child independence is a tricky thing. Online parenting articles, blogs and even the casual conversation of parents is underlined with fear - I don't want my kid to fail, to be the stinky one, the dirty one, the one who is behind. We don't want our kids judged poorly, negatively or found wanting. It's because we love them, sure. But our love has them twisted into knots of anxiety.

A 2010 study by psychology professor Neil Montgomery of Keene State College in New Hampshire, showed that children who had parents who hovered over them and monitored their every move were more anxious, self-conscious and less open to new ideas. Montgomery writes, '(S) tudents who were given responsibility and not constantly monitored by their parents - so-called ‘free rangers' - the effects were reversed.” His study isn't the only one show that fear-based parenting is holding our children back. Several new books out this summer including How to Raise an Adult and The Gift of Failure all argue that by doing everything for our children, we accomplish nothing.

A parent recently told me, 'I don't want my kids to feel responsible for this house, that's my job.” I laughed. The concept of home doesn't solely rely on me. Home is a collaborative effort, so is family. We all look out for one another and take responsibility for ourselves. But my ideas, it seemed were not the reality.

At the beginning of the summer, I noticed that my 4-year-old seemed reticent to take responsibility for anything. She refused to get a stool if she couldn't reach something. She wouldn't clean her room, or even get her own fork from the drawer. 'No!” She'd insist, 'You do it!”

I thought back to that woman, who now has confident and successful teens, and I realized how wrong I was. Parenting isn't about protection, it's about strength training - helping our children build the skills of independence so that when they are on their own they can act confidently and freely, unafraid to fail and start over. So, I bought her a little plastic pitcher, moved the cereal and bowls to where she could reach and we had a talk about all the things big girls can do to help - set the table, get their own cereal and keep their room tidy. These jobs, I told her, came with rewards too. Pay offs like extra iPad time and a later bedtime.

I expected some pushback, but she was ecstatic. 'You mean it?” she said. 'I'm big now?” It's like she'd been waiting for me to step back.

Three weeks after that talk, my daughter woke up one morning, poured her own cereal, and played with the iPad. When I woke up at 7, I was surprised to find her in her room, dressed and brushing her hair. Her bed was made.

I almost started crying. 'See mom,” she said proudly showing me how she lined up all her animals, 'I did it all because I'm big now.”

Things are not perfect. There were milk spills and Cheerios on the floor, but she was happy to help me pick them up.

It's taken three weeks of failure for this one day of success, three weeks of her asking me to do things and me refusing, me asking her to do things and her refusing, and three weeks of tear-riddled clean up sessions. But here we are. The last time she cleaned her room, she actually did it with very little help from me. She puts her milk in the fridge and is a lot better at putting the caps on the markers. She has even offered to help me while I empty the dishwasher, so I can read her books sooner.

Last week, I took her to the park and she made some new friends. After only a few minutes of play, she came over to complain that no one wanted to play with her any more. Instead of getting involved or telling her that they suck, I asked, 'Why don't they want to play?”

'Because they don't want to play my game.”

'Well,” I said, 'what do you think you can do?”

'Maybe ask them to play my game after their game?” She said.

I gave her a big hug. 'You got it,” I told her. She scampered off to play.

This isn't me bragging about my parenting skills, it's just the opposite. I'm bragging about my child's people skills, her human skills - the skills all of our children have in them if only we are willing to let the fail and flounder a bit to find them.

' Lyz Lenz is a writer, mother of two and hater of pants. Email her at eclenz@gmail.com or find her writing at <URL destination="http://lyzlenz.com./">LyzLenz.com.