Don’t be a ‘family enabler’ this holiday season

By Shawn Stepp

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Getting together with family and friends over the holidays is a wonderful time of reconnecting and celebration. It's also an opportunity to notice signs and symptoms of a loved one's possible drug and/or alcohol abuse.

Alcohol and drug addiction carry specific characteristics. In general, this disease follows a predictable course. Left untreated, it can be fatal. It also affects those close to the addict - family, spouses, and friends. Those who treat addiction call chemical dependency a “family illness.” Everyone close is affected. And they, too, must change to help the addict choose treatment.

The addicted person is one piece of the family puzzle. By entering treatment, their puzzle “shape” gradually changes. They won't fit back into the old puzzle.

The rest of the family must also change their puzzle shapes or behavior to accommodate the former addict. Para-alcoholics are “reactors” rather than “actors.” Even if family members don't drink, if they do not change their behavior, the addicted person can easily regress and become sick again.

Millions of people grew up or are growing up in an alcoholic/addicted home where one or both parents are actively using alcohol or drugs. The name given to those now as adults are Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). They tend to seek partners in life with similar characteristics as the addicted person(s) they grew up with.

Adult children of alcoholics often have the following characteristics:

l Increased isolation

l Dependent personality with strong need for approval

l Overreaction to any personal criticism

l Fear of abandonment prompts attachment to other addicts or compulsive personalities

l Acting like a victim in love and friendship relationships

l More concerned with others, in order to avoid looking at personal faults

l Feels guilt when standing up for himself instead of giving in to others

l Addicted to excitement

l Unable to express feelings from traumatic, painful past; lives in denial

l Low self-esteem

Friends and family may inadvertently enable the addict by not letting them face consequences of their behavior and choices.

For example, agreeing that the addicted person is not chemically dependent just reinforces that person's denial system. Drinking or using drugs with the dependent person also enables the addiction to continue. So does agreeing with the dependent's rationalizations for drinking or using.

Many friends and family avoid confronting the dependent person just to keep the peace.

Others may blame or criticize the addict to try to make him/her change. Some just wait, hoping the disease will disappear. In reality, we can't control or cure another's addiction.

The best approach is to stop enabling, get control of the family environment and stop allowing the addicted person to manipulate the household. Be firm. Realize that you can hate the disease and still love the person.

Family members and friends will find great reinforcement by attending support groups such as Al-Anon.

Take advantage of the time you have together this season to reconnect with those you love and if needed, offer support and guidance in seeking treatment for addictions that could be life-threatening. It may be the greatest gift you could offer.

Shawn Stepp is program coordinator for Sedlacek Treatment Center in Cedar Rapids. Sedlacek, located at 5975 Rockwell Dr. NE, Cedar Rapids, is an affiliate of Mercy Medical Center. Comments: sstepp@mercycare.org.