Growing Dangerous Leadership

Dangerous Leaders carve their own path to the destination.

Across our area, we are graduating high school seniors. As I spent the last year walking through first lasts and last firsts, I thought about all of the leaders my senior has had in his life who have shaped the kind of leader he is in his own life. The most prominent came from the soccer pitch. I summarize a few leadership lessons at the end, but as you read these thoughts, consider the leadership lessons you’d pull from these examples.

I've watched him with a black and white ball on his foot since he was three. Even before that, his favorite games were those that demanded a ball of any kind. His first birthday pictures have him sitting proudly with his shiny gold soccer ball between his chubby baby legs. Another with his eyes locked on the ball as he crawled with determination for it — the set of his jaw, just like his dad's, in the same mode.

Three-year-old soccer in the Hiawatha rec league was pure joy and comedy. Tiny purple shirts, tinier cleats, and minuscule shin guards all chasing each other, chasing the ball. His dad and I "coached" in the way parent coaches at their age do. More cat herding than coaching, but I like to think we created a positive sports experience for those boys and girls. Everyone seemed happy at the end-of-season hot dog cookout anyway.

AYSO came next. I attempted to coach after all parents stepped back from the volunteer line. That only needed one season to prove its worthlessness. Recognizing where others are better suited for the job is a leadership strength. Despite my fumbling, his love for the game continued to grow.

After a summer camp, we connected with a new club that was forming. It started as a good place for him to play. About this time, his dad and I divorced, which impacted him no matter how we tried to cushion the changes. Changes introduce chaos, regardless of how hard we try to minimize their impact.

He lost his way for a while, still on the field but not at his peak. I think soccer kept him on the rails in a lot of ways. Gave him a place to just be him and connect with other boys dealing with life, too.

And then there was a fumbling of how teams were divided into A and B squads, and he received a message that he wasn't good enough. Not a great message to internalize at the age of 10 or 11. He stuck it out, though, and built some resiliency skills that continue to serve him today.

If you never get challenged, how do you know what you are made of?

We changed clubs, and he found a home at a new club with a coach who took the time to talk to him and provide coaching. He developed. He gave up on himself repeatedly and reinvested repeatedly. He loved his time there. The chaos of a club acquisition led him to focus on School Football and Futbol.

And he realized he just loved the game. Sure, he wanted to do well, but he loved being on the field. He got a lot of playing time on his high school teams. Not as the best varsity player, but as a player who could get the job done on the squad he was playing on; usually. There were some off games. He is human, just like us.

His junior year, he came home a little crushed to be playing JV2 again. And it set him on a journey to improve his overall athletic experience. He started working out, shed what weighed him down, and got more serious about his endurance. But he played a lot, and the postgame smiles were genuine. He was determined to make JV his senior year. At least. The satisfaction was real when he got the news. And it was a fun final season.

I knew the last game would be challenging. His last official match, after 15 years of field time and 18 years of soccer ballhandling, this last thing … it feels big. It feels like a piece of our life departing.

It feels like grief.

His tears are earned.

And so are mine.

Soccer mom no more.

Watching this little boy grow into a man entering adulthood through the lens of soccer has highlighted many values-based leadership lessons. When creating culture, create an experience for those you lead. When you are told you aren’t good enough, you have a choice: get better or move on. The community you create matters. The chaos of change can generate growth or more chaos, depending on how you handle it. See the goal, the challenge of achieving it, and go after it with all you have. And have fun doing what you do. Simple truths.

Dangerous Leaders don’t follow a road map of someone else’s choosing, even inside established structures. We carve our path to the destination. We generate an experience for ourselves that creates a positive outcome with others. We reflect, we observe, and we learn. In all of this, my son has been the most significant leadership lesson I have ever had the privilege to experience.

Live Dangerously, Be You.

Dr. Jennifer Smith is a Cedar Rapids-based professional coach and speaker, specializing in transforming trauma into growth in life, and leadership. Comments: jennifer@dangerousleader.com; @dr.jennsmith on Instagram