Dangerous Leader: Don’t let the ‘F’ word spook you

Dangerous leaders are big fans of the “F ”word. We find ways to use it constantly. In many ways, we crave it because we know how good it is for us. We know it forces something in us we cannot otherwise access.

The F word is fear. Some of us equate that to that other F word, failure. Fear is not failure. It took me a minute to learn that.

When I transitioned from the military, I had a rough time shifting my mentality. And why would I? I was highly successful as a junior officer in the Army and had the awards, performance reviews and experiences to prove it. My leadership approach worked well for me in the military environment. Why change anything in this new environment?

The terror I felt when my boss and human resources person put me on a performance improvement plan less than a year into my first post-military role was a tangible entity.

As they described why I was being put on a PIP, the acronym for a performance improvement plan, I recall hearing Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice — just the sound of sound without any structure.

It was only later, in talking with a mentor, that the words took form.

As I ranted and complained about its unfairness, my mentor listened patiently. Then, he asked a powerful question, “Are they right?,” which was not what I wanted to be honest about. They were.

Relationships

The fiercely independent leader who communicated directly and succinctly and didn’t spend much time on chitchat — or what I viewed as nonsense — was not the behavior that would make me successful in this role.

In the military, a mission-focused attitude was welcomed and encouraged, and the civilian role I took wanted that AND the relational leader I hadn’t fully developed yet.

I hadn’t taken the time to build relationships with my peers, and it was becoming a liability to my work. More importantly, I was a liability to those I led.

And my mentor continued his gentle tearing down of my self-righteous rant with, “You have two choices. One, you could quit. You could buy into this self-pity party and quit. But I don’t think you are a quitter. Your other option is to look at the feedback you’ve been gifted and grow with it.”

That second choice is the only viable one for a Dangerous Leader.

Addressing fear

A Dangerous Leader defines themselves from within.

A Dangerous Leader takes experiences — like the one with my first post-military job — and chooses to address the fears it spotlights.

We used the following process to address this fear. I hope it helps you with whatever fear you need to grow with now or in the future.

How to grow

Some of you are curious about what I did to earn a performance improvement plan.

Well, at that time of my career, I wasn’t the most empathetic person. Empathy wasn’t a natural skill for me at the time. That meant I had a rough time caring about things other people cared about if I wasn’t interested.

I did not care if someone’s cat had kittens or the grandbaby wore a sunflower. I had business to conduct, and those conversations were time wasters.

This meant that certain team members were unwilling to approach me with things they needed to approach me with, and it was creating issues in our collective ability to get the job done. Yes, they had work to do, too. But that is their work, and I can only do mine.

My fear, as highlighted by my boss, was that I wasn’t good enough. And that is a big fear. By taking the time to confront it, work through what it meant, where its boundaries were, and what I could do about it on my terms, I turned the fear into growth.

I repeat this process on my own routinely and with a coach with the big stuff.

I am not the same successful leader I was when I left the military. I am a leader with more depth, a stronger sense of self, and a humility that allows me to keep growing. I define my leadership. I don’t let my fears scare me into conformity. I am a Dangerous Leader.

Live Dangerously, Be You.

Jennifer Smith is a Cedar Rapids-based personal and executive coach, host of The Dangerous Leader Podcast, and unapologetic optimist. Comments: jennifer@dangerousleader.com; @drjennsmith