We’re all under the dome of unneeded bills in Iowa

So, I was digging in the fridge when I found a carton of eggnog. I remember my mother telling me to never drink eggnog in February.

But it’s only several weeks past its “use by” date. Besides, I love eggnog and always do what I can to keep Christmas in my heart, or in this case my gut, all year long.

I poured a healthy glass, added a little bourbon for sanitizing purposes, and belatedly toasted the holidays. And a quick end to the current legislative session.

It wasn’t long before I started to feel funny. Uh oh, I thought. Mom was right. Then came the hallucinations. Christmas? Legislature?

(Harp music indicating a dream sequence.)

Suddenly, the iceberg I was riding on crashed at the foot of a golden dome that rose skyward.

“Halt! Who goes there?” came a voice through the fog.

I am an obscure columnist. Who are you?

“I’m the sergeant-at-arms under the Golden Dome of Misfit Bills.”

So what’s your name, sergeant?

“That’s just it. My name is Corporal. It’s all wrong. That’s why I work under the Dome of Misfit Bills. I’m a misfit!”

Cue the music.

“We’re under the dome of unneeded bills.

“Sponsored by hacks and political shills.

“But when funnel day is nigh.

“The worst of us surely will die.”

“Bills galore. On the House and Senate floor.

“They could become our laws.

“And it’s all because of the enacting clause.

“A donation from Jimmy.

“A donation from Sue.

“The size that will clearly say ‘Here's what you do.’

“When funnel day arrives.

“Bills they bought will surely survive.”

With this, the misfits began to speak up.

“How would you like to be an elephant who can’t remember history?

“Or a flag that says ‘Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain’ flying over a state slashing reproductive rights, segregating transgender Iowans and banning books?

“Or an attorney general who is supposed to be the top law enforcement officer but endorsed a presidential candidate facing 91 criminal charges and a crime victim’s advocate who cut off funding to rape victims for emergency contraception?

“We’re all misfits!

“How would you like to be a public library bill that harms public libraries?

“Or an Area Education Agency reform bill that would kneecap the agencies?

“Or a bill expanding the length of postpartum Medicaid coverage while also reducing the number of women who would be eligible for care?

“Or a school safety bill that lets teachers carry guns that shoot real bullets, not jelly.

“How about being a fish that flies because I can’t survive in Iowa’s polluted water?

“Or a beach where no one can swim?

“Hi, I’m the hemp products regulation bill that would take away one more thing that makes living here bearable!”

“We’re all misfits!”

“And that’s being charitable!”

Music again, please.

“So we’re under a dome of unneeded bills.

“Filed by nutjobs who really are shrill.

“When funnel day is near.

“It would be wonderful, wonderful,

“Wonderful, wonderful

“If we would all disappear!”

Hey, Corporal. Who is that flying over us with a big sled full of gifts?

“That’s the governor. She’s headed to a big party on Hog Barron Island.”

Wow, how do I get to that shindig?

“Just follow your nose..follow your nose...follow your nose...”

(more harp music as obscure columnist awakens)

Wow, that was some hallucination. Maybe I’ll have one more eggnog … Just to see how it ends.

Happy funnel week, to all who celebrate.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com