Is this your man, sis? Fighting domestic violence with Facebook

For about the past five years, the numbers have held steady: 30% of Americans are using online dating sites. The ease of expanding the dating pool, filtering for common interests, and vetting candidates without ever stepping foot outside your door is a huge draw, especially for people who are busy. Many of us know married couples who met on any number of online platforms designed for just that — but many of us have also heard harrowing tales of love gone sour.

From across our region (and a few beyond state lines), women are gathering in another corner of the internet to discuss a pressing matter: ‘“Is my boyfriend your boyfriend too?”

Private Facebook groups with names like this have been popping up across the nation, and the Corridor is no different. One local group boasts over 18,000 members and features daily posts submitted about men a group member is considering as a love interest. Sometimes, the results are innocuous; a commenter might congratulate the poster on an attractive potential suitor. Sometimes, the results are devastating — long term relationships have ended, children of affairs have been uncovered, divorce proceedings begun due to discoveries of infidelity.

While at times the groups can be unruly, their capacity to serve as a platform for sharing information related to safety and health, recovering from financial, emotional, and physical abuse, and uniting for the common good shines through from time to time.

Gender-based violence is tragically common. More than a third of women and 29% of men in Iowa will experience intimate partner violence or stalking in their lifetime. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), an organization dedicated to advocacy and victim support related to domestic violence, indicates that “abusers’ access to firearms increases the risk of intimate partner femicide at least fivefold.” In 2020, 20 Iowa women were victims of femicide — killed by an intimate partner.

For hundreds of years, women have been encouraged to follow certain rules of engagement to improve safety and survival in the world at large. “Make sure everyone in your group is together at the end of the night, carry some pepper spray in your bag, don’t drink too much, go on your first date in a well-lit public place and don’t let him know where you live right away” … the list is lengthy. Some of these activities, described by F. Vera Gray as “safety work,” extend far beyond going out for drinks with friends or even dating to include behaviors exhibited by women at the gym, in the workplace, and virtually every other aspect of public life.

Online dating has added a new element to this dynamic. What worked previously may not apply in the same way. For example, previously, even a blind date was set up by someone you knew. Someone you were personally connected with had information about your potential suitor, therefore the prospect had some measure of accountability to someone in your life and this increased at least the perception of safety. In the internet dating arena, you don’t have that link. Dating sites are not held liable for your safety, and are not required to background check members. (Although 60% of Americans now believe online dating sites should require background checks.) While it is possible to meet a new love interest in a well-lit crowded place, limit yourself to half a glass of sauvignon with dinner, and Uber home — it is also now possible for your date (or anyone else in public) to take a photo of your face and upload it to an AI program that will display every other photo matching your facial recognition profile that has ever been uploaded to the internet. They can quickly and cheaply ascertain many details about you and your daily life that used to require much more investment on their part.

A five-year-old post in one local “is my boyfriend your boyfriend, too” Facebook group invites women in the corridor to post information about men who have sexually assaulted them. The post has over 300 comments that span the entire five years it has been active — some as recently as an hour prior to this writing. Some of the posts include attached mug shots and pending violence or drug charges. Some describe men who prey on single women with children, only to abuse both. Many are heartbreaking, and have left victims devastated and searching for hope.

While these groups can be messy, dramatic, unserious, and give pause to the most daring of daters, they have also provided spaces for community, connection, advice, resilience, and support. One of the earliest signs of intimate partner abuse is often isolation from family and friends — regaining those relationships once they have been strained can be incredibly difficult. Here, from the safety of home, women are finding new ways to gather and overcome.

To support local organizations working to support individuals experiencing intimate partner violence, please visit:

https://www.waypointservices.org/

https://dvipiowa.org/

Sofia DeMartino is a Gazette editorial fellow. sofia.demartino@thegazette.com