Thanksgiving is coming. You’re going to need a drink

It’s that time of year again.

Family and loved ones, who may even be both, will gather around the Thanksgiving dinner table. They’ll bring a diversity of principles, experience, and viewpoints along with them. It will be a veritable combustible cornucopia.

So you’re going to need a drink.

With that in mind, I’ve prepared some appropriate libations in keeping with the unique challenges of living in 2023. It’s the absolute least I can do.

Mix and enjoy, or at least survive.

Conversation Fizz

One ounce of religion, uncomfortable.

One ounce of politics, heated.

A MAGA of misinformation, loud.

A dollop of Do Your Research.

A liberal pour of seething silence, broken.

Club soda, bottled under high pressure, ready to explode.

A turkey leg, wielded menacingly, for garnish.

Combine all the volatile ingredients in a gravy boat. Serve at Thanksgiving dinner. Duck.

Descriptions of Sex on a Beach

Two ounces of Grey Goosestep Vodka. Straight only.

One ounce of Preach Schnapps

Fresh orange juice, peeled and squeezed in private.

Two ounces of Karenberry Juice, extra crabby.

A wedge issue and sour grapes for garnish.

Remove your favorite glass from the shelf next to your library of pornographic smut and fill it with cubed vice. Add vodka, schnapps and juices. Serve with a flourish, clicking your leather boot heels, at a very subdued Moms for Liberty school board election watch party.

Campaign Reviver

A splash of Absinthe, just enough to cause delusions of grandeur.

A gubernatorial endorsement of ginned up expectations, fleeting, dry.

One ounce of Botte Blanche (white boot), high-heeled.

A DeSantis of orange spirits, dashed.

Coat the inside of a Disney souvenir cup with delusions. Pour the rest into a cocktail shaker of ice. Shake vigorously and awkwardly. Serve on the deck of a sinking campaign, on a bus filled with confused migrants or in an empty school library.

Birdhattan

Two ounces of Steve King Right Wing Rye Risky.

One ounce of Cruelmouth, assaulted.

Ninety-one dashes of Trump Indictment orange bitters, ignored.

One ounce of English Only Elixir.

Mar-a-Lago cherries, top-secret recipe, for garnish.

Stir Steve King, Cruelmouth and orange bitters in a cocktail mixing glass with ice cubes made with dirty Iowa water. Pour, recklessly, into a coup glass.

Black Friday

Two Five Hour Energy drinks, jittery.

One Red Bull, wired.

Two ounces of Shop Till You Dropka.

One package of convenience store mini doughnuts, aged

Pour energy drinks into your mouth and swish to combine. Swallow. Chase with mini doughnuts. Best enjoyed in a big box store melee or brawl.

Belligerent Punch

Eight ounces of spiked Iran strike.

An incursion of Mexican tequila.

A confrontation of Chinese Risky, extra tough

Mix ingredients vigorously with a rattling saber until angry and frothy. Serve at a Republican presidential debate. It’s also refreshing before or after congressional fisticuffs. Get bombed and start bombing.

Democracy Sunset

One cup of lies, ice cold.

A vengeance of Don T’s Totalitarian Tequila.

A healthy pour of Orange You Glad You Have a Passport?

A few splashes of grenadine or Ivermectin.

Mussolini cherries, for garish.

Fill an emperor-style golden goblet with lies, vengeance and juice and stir lawlessly. Add Ivermectin and Mussolini. Serve in an interment camp.

I Wish Coffee

Several ounces of patience.

A gallon of enjoyment.

A little something special in your morning coffee.

A hope for a happy Thanksgiving.

Mix ingredients. Goes great with pumpkin pie.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com