Sorry Grinches. I need a little Christmas, right this very minute

So I was driving along Wednesday, flipping through satellite radio stations, when it hit me like a ton of fruitcake. Christmas music is back on the air.

By the way, one ton of fruitcake equals three fruitcakes.

“it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” Bing Crosby insisted. “Everywhere you go. Take a look at the five and 10, it’s glistening once again, with candy canes and silver lanes that glow.”

Well, I had to take some issue with Der Bingle.

It wasn’t looking at all like Christmas on Nov. 8. A day after the election, yard signs for losing candidates remained standing, forlorn and drained of their hopes beneath leafless trees. And the “five and 10” departed long ago, including the Ben Franklin store in my hometown. I don’t recall that it ever glowed.

Maybe they ought to change the lyrics to reflect the modern spirit.

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you’ve seen.

“Take a look at the big box store, Black Friday bustin’ the door. We’ll kick and scratch and fight for cheap flat screens!”

If you’re like most Americans, this early holiday interlude is not welcome.

According to a poll of 1,000 people released last month by couponbirds.com, 82% of those surveyed believe stores put out Christmas decorations too early. Also, 75% of respondents said they get fed up with Christmas songs by Christmas Day.

Among the songs that wear on them the most is Mariah Carey’s hit “All I want for Christmas is You,” “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms and “Last Christmas,” performed by Wham. All the greats make the tiresome top 10, including Bing, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and Burl Ives.

But I, for one, welcome the early arrival of our holiday overlords. It’s not like we can fight it. It’s all run by an eastern syndicate, you know.

I don’t get tired of Christmas music. I’ve already purchased eggnog. As an aficionado of holiday illumination, both outdoor and indoor, I enjoy getting an early look at this year’s innovations. After all, most of the lights I purchased last year won’t light this year.

It wasn’t always this way. As a kid, Christmas began after Thanksgiving dinner. My mom would get out the Nativity scene she and my dad bought as a young couple for a princely sum at Kresge’s. It was made in Germany of a rubberlike substance and included just one Wiseman. Who needs three?

I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday. It has all the gathering, eating and drinking of Christmas with no gift-buying pressure. So I mean no disrespect to our pilgrim ancestors.

But how can we not be jazzed for Christmas after Donald Trump went to all the trouble of saving it?

“We brought back ‘merry Christmas,’” Trump said at a rally in Ottumwa last month. “Nobody fights it anymore.”

“One of the first things I said in 2015, actually, when I was campaigning, I said ‘We will bring back ‘merry Christmas.’ Because these woke department stores, they didn’t want to use the word Christmas. And they use the word Christmas now,” Trump said, humbly. His heart grew three sizes that day.

Although, at the same rally, he also said if he was ever on a sinking ship, he would rather die by electrocution than be eaten by a shark.

“So I have a choice of electrocution or shark, you know what I’m gonna take? Electrocution. I will take electrocution every single time,” Trump said.

Same.

This seems like a good time to remind you to check all light strings and extension cords carefully.

For me, the Christmas season is a welcome respite. It’s peace on earth and good will to men. Well, and fudge. The rest of the year, not so much.

Recently. I’ve been using my column to defend the rights of transgender kids and to condemn efforts to remove a broad array of books from school libraries. In exchange, I’ve received more than just coal in my stocking from readers.

On X (formerly Twitter) I’ve learned I’m “a dishonest leftist piece of s**t,” a “pedo,” “a” groomer” (many, many times), a “covert pedophile,” “peddler of pedophilia,” “propagandist,” “sick pervert,” “low life loser,” and a “practiced liar for left-wing nut jobs.”

Also, I “hate Jews and want to groom children.”

You always find the nicest folks on social media. Sadly, many don’t use actual names, so I can’t put them on my Christmas card list.

Can you really blame me If I need a little Christmas, right this very minute?

“For I’ve grown a little leaner (I wish), grown a little colder. Grown a little sadder, grown a little older.

“And I need a little angel, sitting on my shoulder. Need a little Christmas now.”

Sing your heart out, Bing. I’m here for it. Pass the fruitcake.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com