Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

Sunday's print column

Maybe you heard about the new federal sunscreen rules coming out next year. They've received lots of attention. I listened to a show explaining them on NPR last week and was so terrified of harmful rays and noxious chemicals by the time I got to work, I debated whether to even get out of my car.

Well, I bet sunscreen warning labels also will be a whole lot more informative. I got a sneak peek, as far as you know.

CONSUMER WARNING

For external use only. Except for some microscopic chemicals that will probably be absorbed unknowingly into your skin. Oh, and those molecules you'll probably breathe in. Absorption and or inhalation may cause delirium, fatigue or a strong craving for boat drinks.

Do not ingest boat drinks while using this product.

Avoid contact with eyes. May cause bruising or swelling during or after application, especially if applied to the girlfriend/spouse of anyone who would not appreciate your selfless commitment to skin health for all.

This product blocks both UVA and UVB rays. UVB rays cause burning. UVA rays cause wrinkles and possibly cancer. This product will not protect against other types of wrinkles, especially those caused by worrying constantly about getting cancer from the following: cellphones, plywood, Styrofoam cups, plastics, sitting, moving, eating, drinking breathing, kittens or sunscreen.

This product will remain water and or sweat-resistant for approximately 10.2 minutes. Upon reaching the end of this warning statement, please reapply sunscreen.

This product is rated SPF 375 and was very expensive. But really, it offers no more protection than cheaper SPF 50. This product, used properly, may cause feelings of stupidity, regret, even anger.

Some chemicals contained in this product may or may not offer protection from harmful rays and are still being evaluated. They include, but are not limited to, blisteroxin, crispiskinicin, liquid Naugahyde and georgehamiltonian oxide. These chemicals have been tested on laboratory animals, but the results are classified under the Consumer Buzzkill Regulatory Reform Act of 2005.

All we can tell you is it was not good. Not good at all.

This product may form dangerous compounds if mixed with any of the following: sand, grass clippings, ice cream, shaved ice, lake water, seawater, river water, Freeze Pops, Kool-Aid, that one knock-off Kool-Aid, lemonade, iced tea, an Arnold Palmer (half tea, half lemonade), grill smoke or sweet corn. Avoid those substances.

Directions for use - Apply liberally to exposed skin. Then cover treated areas with a one-quarter-inch-thick layer of worsted wool. (not included). Find a cave, cavern or fissure. Crawl in until you are in total darkness. Enjoy summer fun.

Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@sourcemedia.net