Hey Tommy J, You Gettin' Any of this Down?

Gentlemen, the Continental Congress has handed to us, this committee of five, the monumental task of drafting a Declaration of Independence from the crown. Let us begin.

Unless there is objection, I, John Adams of Massachusetts, will lead the discussion. I think our first course should be determining which grievances against His Majesty we wish to enumerate.

“Yeah, grievances great. But you guys need to start out with something edgier. Maybe a grainy, black and white woodcut of the King, looking all tired and bloated. And you could say, ‘King George III. Out of touch. Not one of us. A gold-crowned London insider. King George III, wrong on the colonies, wrong for America. New World. New leadership. Independence.' Catchy, huh?”

Who in heaven's name are you, sir?

“I'm Benjamin Silas Spinner. Call me B.S. I'm whatcha call a political consultant. John Hancock sent me to polish up your declaration. I've got some focus group-tested stuff here. I've got polls in the field. Real effective.”

Yes, well, we're in no need of gimmicks at this fateful hour. Our resolve is steadfast. Our commitment to liberty is unshakable.

“Sure, sure. But how's your fancy highbrow stuff gonna play with the average landed freeman, rural rabble or musket moms? I know you want independence, fellas, but first you've got to define your opponent. Raise the king's negatives. Dent his brand. You need a buggy sticker, not some long declaration. Who's gonna read all that? Never gonna sell.

"It's like I told Hancock. Name recognition, that's half the battle."

Enough. Moving onward. We must include the onerous taxes imposed without our consent.

“Oh, yeah, especially that death tax. The crown even taxes you when you're dead. That's gold, fellas.”

Cease your rantings. The quartering of troops on our soil is an outrage.

“King George won't even secure our borders. He's soft on immigration. Red coats taking American jobs. Ride-by shootings. Chaos. Do you feel safe?”

Silence, you peddler of buffoonery. Now then, we strongly protest the restriction of trade.

“Oh yeah, great, great. Can we trust a king who stands with the fat-cat special interests - Big Rum, Big Tea and Big Whale Oil? How much longer can we live with King George's job-killing schemes? Monarchy isn't working. King George, you're fired.”

Please, your words bring pain to the head. Surely, the crown's usurpation of our legislatures and laws must be detailed in the declaration.

“Uh, yeah, well I'd skip usurpation, What is that anyway? How about trying ‘big government takeover?'”

Mr. Spinner, for the last time, hold your foul tongue. Can't you see the king has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns and destroyed the life of our people?

“Oh, I've got it `Ask yourselves, colonists, are you better off today than you were before coronation?' Genius! Hey Tommy J, you getting any of this down?”

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