The Governor's Top Secret (Fake) July 1 Plan

Gov. Terry Branstad's staff says he has no plans for a state government shutdown, because there won't be one.

I hope he's right, but lawmakers and Branstad must reach a budget deal before the next fiscal year begins July 1 to avoid the possibility. If they don't, Branstad 's team insists he has “broad powers” to keep everything running. No worries. No planning necessary.

And yet, I have obtained his top secret public schedule for July 1. Don't tell anyone.

CLASSIFIED - Tentative Public Schedule for Gov. Terry Branstad, July 1.

12:01 a.m. - Gov. Branstad opens the sacred “Arc of the Powers” containing limestone tablets spelling out his special, emergency powers. Members of the godless media are urged to look away, to avoid melting.

12:30 a.m. - Gov. Branstad signs Executive Order 73 creating a House-only unicameral Legislature.

2 a.m. - Gov. Branstad orders several fiscal transfers to keep critical state agencies operating:

1. Any coinage found in Capitol complex soda or candy machine change slots and any moneys obtained from beneath and or between cushions under control of the state, shall be appropriated to the Department of Public Safety.

2. The Legislative coffee fund shall be re-appropriated to the Department of Public Health.

3. Two large bags of aluminum cans will be transferred from the garage at Terrace Hill to Hy-Vee for refund of state deposit. Any moneys collected shall be appropriated to the Department of Human Services.

4. Lt. Gov. Kim Reynolds will form a blue ribbon task force to scrutinize Groupon, Craigslist and other sources for applicable deals and discounts.

3 a.m. - Gov. Branstad signs Executive Order 74 transferring deed and title of the honorable Sen. Mike Gronstal's district to the sovereign state of Nebraska.

4 a.m. - Gov. Branstad announces a new fee schedule for exclusive executive appearances.

Groundbreakings and ribbon cuttings, $10,000. Proclamations, $1,000. Congratulatory letters, $75. Salutory Post-it notes, $10. Commemorative photos, $25. Gov. Branstad drives through your community, slowly, waving, $50.

5:30 a.m. - Gov. Terry Branstad announces “Governor Does Your State Job” tour (a previously planned program that has nothing at all to do with shutdown that isn't happening. Got it?)

The schedule, day 1:

6 a.m. - Governor patrols Interstate 80 in Poweshiek County, joined by former Gov. Chester J. “Hot Pursuit” Culver.

8:15 a.m. - Governor paves a portion of I-80 in the Iowa City area.

9:30 a.m. - Governor conducts surprise contraband search at the State Penitentiary in Anamosa.

Noon - Governor issues drivers' licenses in Cedar Rapids.

3 p.m. - Governor conducts Statehouse tours.

6 p.m.- Governor tidies up restrooms at Ledges State Park.

8 p.m. - Governor calls, again, to ask about progress on budget talks.

Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@sourcemedia.net