Taking a look at appropriate parental behavior

With fall sports in full swing, it’s probably a good time to revisit the dynamics between coaches, youth athletes and parents.

So many emotions are involved in sports. How can parents be part of a positive process, instead of part of a problem? What do children want from parents in youth sport?

Parental behavior can have a lasting impact on children when they see adults yelling at officials, coaches, teammates and opponents. Kids may model that behavior. Normally, parents can be supportive and inspirational, but sports can cause stress.

Youth Sport Parent Education writes that researchers are focused on answering two questions about parents of young athletes:

— What makes sport a unique context for parenting? Sport occurs in a public setting, unlike other school and achievement domains. As a result, children’s outcomes, and parental reactions to those outcomes, are seen by everyone.

— What does appropriate parent involvement look like? Though there is no one answer, the quality of interactions between parents and children appears to be perhaps more important than the quality.

Children don’t want parents to comment on their performance, to communicate expectations about winning or give tactical advice with no knowledge before competition. They do want parents to help them to become physically prepared and to attend to their needs for mental preparation.

During competition:

Children don’t want their parents to intimidate opponents during competition, to draw attention to themselves, to criticize the coaching, to have disputes with officials, coaches or parents; to contradict the coach’s instructions, to repeat instructions, or to boo the opposing team. Kids do want parents to display etiquette and compliance with suggested guidelines, to display positive body language, to control emotions, to praise good performance, and to provide encouragement after poor play.

After competition, children don’t want parents to criticize their performance, to blame outcomes on referees or others or to focus on negatives of performance. They do want parents to give positive feedback on effort and attitude, to give realistic feedback, and to give feedback only when the child is ready for it.

There are nine things sports parents should avoid doing., according to isports360:

— Don’t overreact to injuries. If you trust your coach, which you should, let him or her be the first responder. Coaches and officials will call upon you if they need you. If it is a more serious injury, what’s needed most is a parent who can stay calm and make rational decisions.

— Don’t say “I told you so” and “You should have done ...” View your child’s mistakes as a teachable moment. Help your child learn about responsibility.

— Don’t overindulge in equipment. Equipment won’t make your child a better athlete. Children learn to appreciate what they have by not having it. When children have to wait or work hard for something, they actually appreciate it more when they finally get it.

— Don’t focus on failure. If children immediately think they aren’t going to be good at something, they are less likely to try it. Use encouraging words like, “You are a hard worker,” which will help instill a sense of belief that they are capable of succeeding at a given task.

— Don’t orchestrate kids’ teams. Children learn lessons from being around different people. If you are blackballing children less talented to create super-star teams, you are missing the point. Sports help children learn about tolerance and to celebrate differences.

— Don’t sugarcoat. Piling on the praise after each event makes children less motivated to perform it in the future. They get it when they don’t perform well. It’s OK for them to feel disappointed or frustrated.

— Don’t compete through your kids. Don’t be overly invested in kids’ sport. Most of us live vicariously through our children on some level. When you desperately want your child to win or perform better, you need to ask yourself why. Because you are trying to compensate for your own deficiencies?

— Don’t compare your kids to others. Comparing lowers their self-esteem and self-worth. Try to appreciate and focus on effort and specific strengths.

— Don’t forget to enjoy the process. Embrace the saying, “it’s about the journey, not the destination.” Don’t make all of the craziness about the destination that’s nearly impossible to reach.

Nancy Justis is a former competitive swimmer and college sports information director. She is a partner with Outlier Creative Communications. Let her know what you think at njustis@cfu.net