My Presidential Potluck

(Warning: Satire)

Welcome to my Republican presidential potluck, Gov. Romney. So what did you bring?

“I was going to bring deviled eggs, but changed my mind. Then I committed to stuffing, but rethought that. Then it hit me, I'll bring a big handsome turkey. Because a turkey looks great on the outside, and even though it might be dry, bland, tough to chew and a little hard to swallow at times, eventually, you're gonna have to eat it. Oh, it's inevitable. It's an individual mandate. It's at the top of the ticket and everyone knows it. It's in the bag. Surrender to it! Surrender, I say!”

Ok, take it easy. But I think Newt Gingrich is bringing the bird. Newt?

“Turkeys are the past. I'm all about the future. I'm the ideas guy. In fact, I've had six new ideas since I started talking. So I brought a big bucket of what the American innovators call Dippin' Dots, ice cream of the future. I must devour all ideas of the future ...”

Apparently. The bucket is empty. What happened?

“I will simply not stand here and answer your media gotcha questions.”

Oh, Herman Cain's here. Did you bring stuffing?

“It depends. Smart people told me to bring pizza. Nine pizzas. Nine kinds of sausage. Nine pounds of cheese. I'll just move this scrawny retread turkey out of the way ...”

“Stop your unwanted advance toward my turkey or I'll open up a can of Mitt-jitsu ...”

Gentlemen, please. Calm down. Sen. Santorum is here with pumpkin pie and pumpkin soup, right?

“I cannot condone same-squash sides. It's an abomination.”

Yeah. Well, I hope at least Rep. Bachmann brought sweet potatoes.

“I sure did, with little marshmallows on top, just like Lincoln served to the Founding Fathers at Gettysburg. Hey, wait a minute, where are the marshmallows? Congressman Paul!”

“The cook who garnishes least, garnishes best. Those little marshmallows were a tyranny on the yams.”

Oh, look, Gov. Perry's here. Did you bring the three things I asked for - a salad, rolls and ... aw dang, what was the third thing?

“Cranberries, pardner. Cranberries. You'd have to have an 'ol box of rocks on your shoulders to forget cranberries.”

Yeah, I guess so. Oops.

Welcome, Gov. (Gary) Johnson, can you be the voice of reason here?

“Outta my way. I got a killer case of the munchies. Anyone bring Doritos?”

Sigh. (Ding dong) Oh, this is a surprise, Mr. President. Any chance you brought a delicious pecan pie?

“No way. Michelle made me bring carrot sticks. Uh oh, here she comes! Hide that pizza! Start doing jumping jacks!”

And that's my cue to grab a box of wine and head for the back door. Happy Thanksgiving.