Iowa House TV Could Become Must-See

Welcome to this briefing on the future of live video in the Iowa House.

Now, I don't have to tell anyone that our ratings are low. The House is just not must-see TV. Only five people are watching right now. All prison inmates being punished for bad behavior.

But that's going to change. Today, I'm announcing a new programming lineup sure to be a big hit.

8:30 a.m. - The Pledge of Allegiance, recited by Morgan Freeman.

9:30 a.m. - Appropriations Subcommittee! (Drama) Can a hardworking subcommittee chair hold off bucks-grabbing, sob-story-spinning bureaucrats and meet his budget target? Will anyone notice?

10 a.m. - The Amazing Page (Reality). Can a freckle-faced page from Smallerton distribute amendments, carry boxes to a lawmaker's Cadillac and still get an ice cream sundae all the way from the basement and into a legislator's fat little fingers before it melts?

11 a.m. - The Middle (Comedy). House Republican moderates gather in a Prius and still have enough room to pick up four hitchhikers en route to a Tea Party meeting, with hilarious results.

Noon - Top Chef Special Interests (Gluttony). Culinary heavy hitters evaluate piles of free morsels served to lawmakers at receptions sponsored by various special interest groups. Will banker-bought boiled shrimp hold a candle to scads of Chamber of Commerce smoked salmon? But don't count out Duck confit a la Corn Growers.

1 p.m. - Extreme Makeover (Reality). House GOP hard-liners push to ban same-sex marriage and impeach the Supreme Court. With traditional family values that will warm your heart.

2 p.m. - The Voice (Reality). Minority Democrats blather on and on with only faint hope of getting even one person in the House to look up from “Words with Friends” and pay attention for 10 lousy seconds.

6:30 p.m. - Don't Trust the TB in Terrace Hill Floor 3 (Mystery). Lawmakers think Gov. Terry Branstad agreed to a tax compromise. Or did he? He said it looks “fine.” What does that mean? Wait. He line-item vetoed what?

8 p.m. - Dancing with the Legislators (Musical). It's legislative prom! “A Mystical Night in the Tax Increment Financing District.”

9 p.m. - CSI Statehouse (Drama). The House of Representatives is missing. The only clue: an accidentally discarded Iowa Cubs day game ticket. What could it mean?

Late night -

Budget Talks (Horror). What is lurking behind that closed door? What unspeakable things are being done to our innocent tax dollars? What dead ideas will live again? “It was a frank, productive discussion.” Aieeeeeee!