Branstad's beef beef is becoming overdone

So our own Gov. Terry Branstad is demanding that Congress mount an investigation to uncover who is responsible for the pink slime scare.

Media elites? Hollywood? Celebrity chefs? Vegetarians? Whoever it was that got this "pink slime" hysteria rolling, they must be exposed. Rarely, do we see this much passion from Branstad. Suddenly, he's become the Braveheart of finely textured beef processing.

I was on his side while he was decrying misconceptions, sticking up for jobs and assuring us that beef is safe, and oh so tasty. I actually think the back-and-forth between backers and critics of processed trimmings has allowed consumers to make a more informed choice.

Winner, winner, hamburger dinner, I say. May now be high time to let this brouhaha simmer a spell with the lid on.

But apparently not. Congressional hearings? What would that be like?

(Cue the dream sequence harps)

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"I call this meeting of the House Committee on un-American Dietary Proclivities to order. This panel has been formed at the urging of the governor of the great state of Iowa, Terry Branstad. I will now call our next witness.

"I call Mr. Todd Dorman, columnist for The Gazette of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Mr. Dorman, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"

I do.

"Mr. Dorman, are you now or have you ever been a follower of @jamieoliver on what they call the Twitter?

I currently follow Mr. Oliver, yes, among many others.

(Murmurs. Whispers. Flashbulbs)

"And is it true that you also own two of Mr. Oliver's cookbooks, "The Naked Chef" and "Jamie's Food Revolution?"

(Leaning in to get advice from my counsel) Uh, yes, yes I do Mr. Chairman.

"So I guess you like to eat the same sort of food as some naked English revolutionary?"

I decline to answer on the advice of counsel.

"Is it true that on June 12, 2011, you used a recipe from this so-called "Food Revolution" for something called "vegetable Jalfrezi curry" to make dinner for your family? And is it strue that the recipe at issue contained no meat whatsoever, Mr. Dorman?"

(Flashbulbs, murmurs)

I honestly cannot recall,  congressman. I make a lot of dinners. But that sounds plausible.

"And is it also true that on March 28 of this year, you wrote a cheap-shooting smear piece for your so-called blog listing derogatory alternative names for All-American-made lean finely textured beef, including BeefWhip, Soylent Pink and Fluffy Beef, or Fleef? Do you think you're amusing, sir?"

I assure you, congressman, it was merely an innocent bit of whimsical satire ...

"Answer the question. Did you or did you nor write this blog?"

I did.

"Have you at any time used the term "pink slime" to refer to lean finely textured beef?"

I have.

"Have you shared this term publicly with anyone, such as your Facebook friends?"

Yes.

"Can you name any of those friends?"

Actually, congressman, you are one of my Facebook friends. And please, quit asking me to try BranchOut.

"Ur, uh, well. Never mind. I withdraw the question. Moving on. Mr. Dorman, are you a vegetarian, vegan or free range fair trade organic activist?"

I am not.

"Are you now or have you ever been a member of an organic food coop?"

Uh, yes. But my wife signed me up, I swear it.

"Do you enjoy eating delicious USDA inspected American beef?

I do.

"Will you name the names of the various cuts of beef you have spent time with in past?"

I will not name names. I will go to jail before I name names, Mr. Chairman.

"Now, now, there's no need for such extreme measures. But would you be willing to eat beef here, now, in front of this committee, to prove your loyalty to this nation's bovine bounty?"

(Leaning over to speak with counsel) Normally, I would flatly reject your demand that I prove my loyalty to beef. The record speaks for itself. I have nothing to prove. It's, frankly, insulting. And un-American in my view.

But seeing as I skipped lunch, I would be glad to.

(Flashbulbs, whispers, grumbles, stomach rumbles. The beef is served)

Wait just a minute, Mr. Chairman. I'm sorry, Mr. Chairman, but this beef is bland. Tasteless, even. There's no salt or cracked black pepper. There's no dry rub or au jus. There's no pan sauce or port wine reduction. Not even ketchup, Mr. Chairman!

Have you no sense of seasonings, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of seasonings?

(Flashbulbs, shouts, applause, take out orders being phoned in)

Bang! Bang! Bang! "I move for an immediate recess."