Celebrate liberty or tyranny with these concocted libations

Well, it’s the Fourth of July weekend, if you’re among the lucky ones who have Monday off. Dig into the closet and find those American flag shorts.

And if you’ve got the grill fired up, you’re probably going to need libations.

You’re in luck. I have once again compiled some cocktail recipes that I think fit well into our tumultuous current timeline. It’s enough to make you declare independence from sobriety. Of course, I’m here to help

But first a word of warning. If you practice mixology over the long weekend, please steer clear of amateur pyrotechnics. Let’s all come back to work Wednesday with our fingers, eyes, etc., still intact.

Droughtini

An intermittent sprinkle of gin, extra dry.

A 20 percent chance of vermouth.

A dry, rolled-up corn leaf, for garnish.

Pour gin into a cocktail shaker with ice and add vermouth if available. If not, serve the Droughtini extra dry. Serve in a coupe glass or a dust bowl. Toast crop insurance.

Frightened dog

One-and-a-half ounces of Fire-em-all-off Vodka, explosive.

An aerial grenade of grapefruit juice, window rattling.

A whistling bottle rocket, for garnish.

Rim a glass with course salt, fill with ice and mix ingredients quietly. Enjoy while you cuddle your fur baby.

Hazy Canadian

Two singed jiggers of Canadian Club, aged in charred barrels.

A Jet Stream of fried Canadian bacon, double smoked.

A waft of Wildfire Whiskey, locally sourced, internationally available

A smolder of maple syrup.

A hockey puck, for garnish.

Mix ingredients until they are ablaze. Smother the fire with the hockey puck and enjoy in a smoke-filled room. Drink wearing flannel, and a mask.

Ethanol Old Fashioned

Two teaspoons of high fructose extra sweet political influence.

A watershed of water, polluted and impaired.

Two dashes of bipartisan pandering.

Ice cubes from the dead zone.

A jigger of King Corn whiskey, aged, incentivized and subsidized.

A slice of orange you excited about carbon pipelines.

A cob of corn and a campaign donation, for garnish.

Combine political influence, impaired water, pandering, pipelines and King Corn in a drainage tile and muddle until brownish. Add 5,000 square miles of dead zone. Stir relentlessly and recklessly. Drink on land seized through eminent domain. Warning: Don’t drink and drive, especially an electric vehicle.

Don’t-Say-Gay and Tonic

A bigot of Ginned-up Outrage.

A monger of Manufactured Fear Tonic

A bunch of overwrought lies, cut into deep wedges.

A bucket of crushed lives.

Combine Outrage and Manufactured Fear in a lowball glass with crushed lives. Stir, righteously, until combined. Squeeze in a lies, conservatively. A perfect cold, fizzy drink to accompany yelling at a school board, A confederate flag boat parade or a Tiki torch march.

Long Caucus Season Iced Tea

Three-quarters of an ounce of Vodka Ramaswamy

An authoritarian pour of Ron DeSantis Purely White Rum.

An indictment of Don Trump Tequila, from a classified federal recipe.

A Pence of Insurrect-Gin, dangerous but downplayed.

A Burgum of Orange-You-Glad-You-Don’t-Live-in-North Dakota Liquor.

A pander of biofuels.

A barn-sized American flag and hay bales, for garnish

Mix ingredients in a large Iowa State Fair tumbler. Serve with a photo op of flipped pork chops.

Tax Cuts Stinger

A wealthy pour of Big Donor Brandy.

A generous portion of Crème de Wealth.

A trickle down of ice, cold-shouldered.

A hazelnut.

Mix brandy and Crème de Wealth in a shaker with ice. Serve to the top 1 percent on a coupe glass. Divide the hazelnut for the rest of us.

Make Me a Sazerac, Kid

Tell your 16-year-old bartender they’ll need:

A cube of sugar.

3 dashes of Pshaw-Working-Late-is-Good-for-You bitters.

Two ounces of Rye Risky, aged 14 years.

A splash of Unexcused School Absinthe.

While making the drink, cool a cocktail glass with ice from a commercial freezer. Muddle sugar and bitters. Stir in the risky. Coat the inside of the chilled glass with absinthe. Pour risky mixture into the chilled glass. Gently squeeze a lemon twist over the glass. Gently. No, no, not like that, kid! Toast the relaxation of child labor laws.

Angry Momhattan

Two ounces of Book Ban Bourbon or No Reading Rye perpetually outraged.

An ounce of Anti-Truth Vermouth censored and unshelved.

Four dashes of Ignorance Bitters.

A Culture Waraschino cherry, steeped in cynical syrup, for garish.

Mix Book Ban or No Reading with Ignorance in a Golden Dome of Wisdom. Add the Culture Waraschino and its deep red juice. Serve in an empty library. Shh … be very quiet. Or a Moms’ for Liberty meeting.

Kim’s Cup

A big shot of Kim’s No.1 Priority, privatized and subsidized.

A big pour of Donor-ade, thoroughly privileged.

Mint, orange, strawberries, cucumber and cruelty for garnish. Whatever Kim chooses. You have no choice.

An indifference of compassion fruit, omitted.

Stuff ingredients into an ice-cold cup and stir until very, very chilly. Toast your kids who moved out of state.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com