State of Mind: Why saying you’re sorry, forgiving is so hard but important

Even though most of us have been taught from a very young age to say sorry when we’ve wronged others, many of us still struggle with apologizing. Conversely, we are seldom ever taught the art of forgiveness. Hopefully, the two come in tandem, but the reality is that neither is necessarily tied to the other.

The person who erred is able to issue an apology, even without an expectation of forgiveness. Just the same, the person who has been wronged can forgive, even without an apology. Both — apology and forgiveness — have the power to impact our mental health.

Being imperfect humans means we’re bound to make mistakes, whether intentionally or by accident. And while some fear being in a position of weakness, it’s important to establish that apologizing is a sign of strength. This doesn’t mean taking full blame for the entire situation if it isn’t warranted, but rather being willing to take responsibility for your own actions. And in these situations, words matter.

Offering insincere, conditional phrases like “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” or phrases that subtly shift blame like, “I’m sorry that you…” may do more harm than good. Instead, use direct words that convey sincerity, acknowledge your responsibility, express regret for what happened and make amends. Then, be willing to listen.

When done right, apologies have the ability to positively impact both the apologizer and recipient’s mental health. Holding onto negative emotions like guilt, regret and anger has been shown to increase anxiety, which can cause or exacerbate physical symptoms. In opposition, delivering and receiving an apology can help both parties by reducing anxiety, increasing self-esteem and boosting the immune system. Apologies also can increase trust and improve relationships.

Where the workings of an apology might be easy to identify, though, the process of forgiveness can be more complex. Ultimately, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting or excusing what happened, but rather choosing to release the control that the other person or an event has over you. That might mean letting go of negative feelings, seeking understanding or finding empathy for the other person.

Without forgiveness, our hearts are often consumed with anger, resentment and pain that has been shown to increase feelings of anxiety and depression. Conversely, choosing to forgive has been shown to lower stress, anxiety, depression and increase self-esteem and improve physical health.

Perhaps adding to the complexity of the entire subject is how layered apology and forgiveness can be. On the one hand, even the best apologies don’t always lead to forgiveness. On the other, forgiveness can be given without any apology at all.

You could argue that apologizing is one step in the process of forgiving yourself. And perhaps forgiving yourself, particularly when there is no fault to be had, is essential in being able to forgive others.

From the trivial wrongs to the more significant betrayals, many people are harboring pain from apologies not delivered or forgiveness withheld. Perhaps now is the time to show grace — both for others and for yourself — by processing those feelings. Obviously, that’s easier said than done and can be a long, complicated and difficult process. Don’t be afraid to seek guidance from a therapist or another trusted person in your efforts.

Maybe by offering that overdue apology or finally finding forgiveness for yourself or another, we can all take one more step toward improved mental health and well-being, heal relationships and grow compassion in our communities.

Bryan Busch is a licensed mental health counselor in Cedar Rapids. He also works at Folience, the parent company of The Gazette. He can be reached at bryan.busch@thegazette.com.