How do you want to be remembered?

Two weeks ago, my husband of eight months passed in his sleep from unknown causes. Last weekend we held his celebration of life in his hometown of Houston, Texas. My sister-in-law described it best: beautifully brutal.

I could describe all of the amazing details about who showed up and what they said. I could write for days on the leader my husband, Master Sgt. Darrell T. Smith, was in the 75th Ranger Regiment of the U.S. Army. I could go on and on.

But instead I want to focus on what I took from the experience of seeing my 37-year-old husband honored and how the people who knew him honored him.

Relationships

We often hear the advice that we won’t look back on our lives and celebrate the hours we spent at work. We are cautioned that we will celebrate the relationships we gained as our life evolved. On May 20, 2023, I saw this in living color.

More than 75 service members from across my husband’s career attended his service alongside family and other friends. When they spoke of him, they didn’t talk about his skill as a marksman, the battles he fought or led, or the medals and badges he’d been awarded. They spoke of the relationships he had built with them.

Smashing the sales goal, winning the proposal, working the long hours to meet a company objective … those things matter only in one segment of your life. You are working to live, and if you have reversed that, finding that you are living to work, I encourage you to rethink it.

And rethink it for those you lead. Our work is intended to be part of our life, not our entire life. We have families and friends and connections where we can show up and thrive.

Priorities

As you consider how you prioritize the work you do as a leader and the message you send your teams, I offer you three points to ponder.

The first is about the example you set as a leader. Do you set healthy expectations for yourself and your work? Whether you believe it or not, others are watching you and patterning their behaviors after yours. Be the example you want to see replicated.

The second is about the expectations you set for others. If you are constantly expecting people to go above and beyond the expectations for the job, how clear are the expectations for the job? If the bare minimum is beyond heroic, consider rethinking it.

The third and final question is about the legacy you are creating. Do the people you work with spend more time with you than the people you call family? As leaders, we have an honor and duty to support those we lead. However, those we lead are not a proxy for our family.

My husband’s family, colleagues, leaders and the men he led saw my husband embrace these ideals. They recognized and celebrated his focus on building relationships with all those he loved. His leadership was relational, and it showed.

As his mentor of more than 20 years shared, “He was a character, with character.” Indeed he was.

What will your legacy be?

Jennifer Smith is a Cedar Rapids-based personal and executive coach, host of The Dangerous Leader Podcast, and unapologetic optimist; jennifer@dangerousleader.com; @drjennsmith