To be seen and to not be seen

Nonbinary identity does not only exist to be validated by other people's perception. It is an inherent part of an individual. If I was to be told to just be a woman I could not. It would make all of my interactions invalidating and upsetting. When someone does not see me for who I really am it causes me to wonder what I am doing wrong. Haven’t I sufficiently challenged your views about who I should be? What about me led you to assume who I am? What do I need to change about myself to fix how you see me?

Many ideas about nonbinary identity are fueled by the argument that nonbinary people only seek validation from other people and that you cannot fall outside the gender binary- “Nonbinary is made up.” It is very hard to keep a distinction between what I do for myself to make me feel valid in my identity, or what I do to affirm my identity and what I feel pressured to do by society to be seen as myself. This is why it is so important for me to have a community who sees me as who I am, so I don’t feel like I have to perform. When I don’t have people around me who support me and the people around me do not see me for who I am it causes me to feel self-conscious and angry.

I cannot direct this anger at the people who oppress me because they will say that it is not their fault that they could not see me for who I am, and that it is too difficult. I also don’t want to create a bad name for my community because transphobic people will look for any example to fuel their hate. Oh, this ONE trans person seems to be hostile- Transgenders are all bad and they are unnatural and they should not exist.

I do not inherently feel discomfort with my body, but the constructs of sex and gender and their associated stereotypes pressure me to dismantle the ideas of what I should be and what I should look like. There is no way to look nonbinary and nonbinary people do not owe anyone androgyny, but in many cases this is the easiest option if you want to be recognized as nonbinary. For me, if I am to be assigned a gender or sex in the head of someone I haven’t met before I would prefer to be seen as masculine. This leads me to pursue gender affirming care and to have a gender presentation that is stereotypically masculine. The idea of being seen as a woman makes me feel depressed and uncomfortable, and disappointed in myself because it is what I am trying to get away from. The idea of being seen as a man makes me feel better because it is somewhat closer to what my gender should be.

Nonbinary is not some secret third gender that we haven’t come up with. It is the absence of a binary gender. For me I don't like to think of myself as a place on a scale or chart, especially in regards to gender, it feels restricting. I have been restricted by the construct of gender for too long.

When my identity is recognized by someone else, often the queer community, it makes me feel accepted. This means more from a stranger because it shows that even with the presence of a strict gender binary there is a way to be recognized for who I am, and to give other people hope for themselves to be recognized. I love being representation of a nonbinary person for other LGBTQIA+ people, it is most-often cisgender people who still try to fit me into a box that I escaped years ago, despite being nonbinary, “all nonbinary people look like this or do this thing!” and invalidate my identity in that way. But still, being recognized as myself from the people closest to me is freeing and comforting. It makes me feel loved and wanted, like my identity is not a chore for them and like it is an important part of me they cannot ignore because then they would be ignoring me as a person.

When I feel ignored and depressed daily because of my environment it leads me to want to give up on living as who I am, or even living at all. If I were to try to describe being correctly gendered and being misgendered as feelings, there would be no way to express it. It is a bigger issue than feeling a little sad. Why would you ever just feel a bit sad when someone denies a part of your humanity? Transgender and gender nonconforming people have been around as long as cisgender people have. We cannot be erased, so why are people so hellbent on ignoring and destroying us?

Nevertheless, I will try to explain how it feels. Being correctly gendered feels like being actually seen, like the sun is shining. When I am misgendered or deadnamed I have a sinking feeling, like I am drowning. This is why I seek to change and get rid of things that do not align with who I am now- who I have always really been. “Girls’” or “women's” clothes? Gone. Old assignments and memories with the wrong name on them? Gone. I feel as if I have lost so much of my life to performing as someone I have never been. The name and identity of “------” is just a reminder of who I have failed at being. Who I never was because she was assigned to me when I was born. I looked a certain way so people told me what I could and couldn’t do and I am sick of it. And people are now policing what my community and I can do just because we have decided to live for ourselves and to be comfortable with who we are. I have always been nonbinary, I just did not have the words for it and I did not ever stop to think about it, until I learned more about the queer community. I realized that I was not alone in my experiences.

I keep learning about horrendous things that have happened and that are still happening to people like me. It makes me lose hope for the future. Will we even have a future?

I am determined to keep existing to show others that it is possible.

Arbor Soride is a sophomore at Liberty High School.