Lack of civility sadly becoming the norm

By Amy Hanisch

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I miss 1983. When people were frustrated or angry with each other, they could put a sentence together without using the “f word” or several conjugations of that word. I don't remember the undercurrent of anger, quick impatience and self-absorption on display at all times in all places.

No matter where my elementary-age daughters and I go, we're caught in the crossfire of verbal diarrhea. The attitude of “get out of my f'in way” and “I don't give a f___ that you don't like my language, it's your f'in problem, not mine” is everywhere.

So many people appear to be socially unaware. They don't seem to notice that they are not the only ones in the store aisle, in the checkout line, at the gas pump, at the beach. In recent weeks, I've seen more temper tantrums from 25-, 35-, 45-year-olds than 2-year-olds who also seem to think it's all about them and are completely unaware of others.

To the young woman in Target on her cellphone, spitting out “Yeah well that b___ better watch her back if she doesn't wanna get f'd up,” I ask: You don't notice that there are shoppers all around you? (and yes, I said something and that made me a b____).

To the gentleman who proceeded first at the stop sign and saw I was also moving because, um, I got there first - who flipped me off yelling things I can't write - I say to him: My girls thought you looked like their grandpa until you showed that apparently 3-year-olds can drive.

We go to the beach for relaxation. The high school boys playing ball in the water are constantly yelling “You b___ !” as they miss the ball. Several 20-somethings are having a picnic. A young man asks his girlfriend to pass him a drink; her response: “Get it yourself, you mother f'er.”

All of this within earshot of wide-eyed young children building sand castles. My kids don't see movies with this kind of language but at the beach they hear it all, my 8-year-old asking me, “Mommy, what is a mother-f'er?” I resent that we can't escape general nastiness, even in this beautiful setting.

I realize that not everyone behaves this way. But it is becoming the norm, not the exception. Some might say, “Well, it ain't 1983 anymore, get used to it.” I will never get used to it.

Why would there ever be an expiration date on civil conversation and social responsibility? Why would there ever come a time when people can't verbally self-regulate? How can our children become grown-ups if so many grown-ups around them aren't acting like grown-ups?

At school, my daughters are taught to be respectful in words and actions and to have regard for others. One day after a Character Education assembly, we ended up at the Lindale Mall play area. There we watched two adults in a screaming match about their kids, seemingly incapable of expression without profanity while 20 other children took it all in. Is it any wonder that so many children don't know how to handle their own anger when so much of what is on television and so many adults around them fail to model what healthy communication looks like?

I tell my students “not everything you think needs to come out your mouth” because it interrupts learning. Adults also need a reminder that not everything we think needs to come out our mouths - it interrupts this thing we call civility. And if that makes me a “b___,” then so be it.

Amy Hanisch is a music specialist in the Cedar Rapids school district and director of the “Discovery Chorus” that sings with Orchestra Iowa. Comments: ajhanisch@southslope.net