Chill out, imagine the possibilities ...

By Joan Thorson

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The Food and Drug Administration has approved a new drug to combat epidemic levels of Unchecked Hostility in the United States. The new drug, the Chill Mist, will be available nationwide by the end of April.

“It's so much better than the Chill Pill,” said Andrew von Eschenbach, Commissioner of Food and Drugs. “The Chill Pill will remain available, but we expect its sales to decline dramatically.”

By January 2012, Unchecked Hostility (UH) had spread so widely that the government declared a national state of emergency. Displays of temper unequal to the real, or imagined, offense had become daily events. Those with UH freely showed symptoms of wide, bulging eyes, red faces, raised fists, offensive gestures and derogatory language.

Scientists cannot explain why a sense of shame was not found within that cluster of symptoms.

Attempts to trace the origins of UH have been frustrated by the large number of possible causes. While researchers place emphasis on Rush Limbaugh's talk radio, reality television programs such as “Bad Girls Club,” Fox News and many political direct-mail letters, they admit they are unable to fully explain the causes.

The polite and civil population of America, however, was not interested in causes. It wanted help.

The FDA introduced the Chill Pill, but it was shown to be ineffective because of a design flaw. Those it was designed to help refused to ingest it. The Chill Mist was then put on the fast track for development.

The new Chill Mist is inhaled with a normal breath of air. It can be sprayed in short or long bursts toward any person who displays signs of UH. The force of the spray can be adjusted to compensate for wind speed and direction, and also distance from UH target.

“Comparisons between the Chill Mist and Mace are unfounded,” Eschenbach cautioned. “The Chill Mist isn't harmful or unpleasant. It merely soothes hostile people into a state of euphoria and amnesia. They often say ‘have a nice day' after inhaling.”

News of the Chill Mist was greeted with widespread enthusiasm for applications other than UH. Kathy Cruzan, an airline flight attendant for 10 years, said, “I'll be able to handle anything from unruly passengers to hijackers with just one spray.” Gary Gruff, 30-year veteran Chicago school bus driver, said, “This is what I've been waiting for. I'm just going to spray them as they climb on board. Why even wait?”

The government was given advance notice of the Chill Mist and has already received large quantities for the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, as well as officials in other departments. Sources in the State Department say U.S. embassy staff has been equipped with Chill Mist canisters. Confidential sources in the Defense Department have indicated an interest in developing a Chill Mist drone program.

Confidential sources with the CIA say it is unlikely to use the Chill Mist, adding that the Chill Pill is more subtle than the spray.

Objections to the Chill Mist were raised by Wayne LaPierre, National Rifle Association CEO, who said, “The Chill Mist just delays the inevitable. Decisive men and girls use guns.”

Responding to this claim, Eschenbach said, “We've got virtually unlimited supplies of Chill Mist. We'll be OK.”

The Medical Marijuana Growers Association also had objections to the Chill Mist. Executive Director Walter Woods cited the potential for user abuse. “Nothing can prevent incidents of self-spraying,” he said.

When reached for comment, Attorney General Eric Holder said, “Have a nice day.”

l Joan Thorson is a member of a local writers group. The writing topic for the month was “Invent a sensational issue and write a news story about it.” Happy April Fools' Day! Comments: cedarrapidswriter@gmail.com