Two mystery quarterbacks! Two forlorn offenses! ABC presents Iowa-Kentucky!!!

Let’s pretend two TransPerfect Music City Bowl representatives met with ABC executives to sell their Iowa-Kentucky football game to the network.

We’ll call the bowl reps “George Costanza” and “Jerry Seinfeld,” and the president of ABC will be “Russell Dalrymple.”

George: I think I can sum up our game for you in one word: Nothing.

Russell: Nothing?

George: Nothing.

Russell: What does that mean?

George: The game is about … nothing!

Jerry: Well, it's not about nothing.

George: No, it's about nothing.

Forgive the lack of originality here, let alone a reference that’s almost 30 years old. But is Saturday’s TransPerfect Music City Bowl really about anything?

(I haven’t been using the sponsor’s name in every reference to the bowl this month to kiss up to the sponsor. Rather, it was to irritate anti-transgender fools in the audience who didn’t know TransPerfect is a business specializing in global translation, language and localization services, and not a celebration of the trans community.)

It’s been almost a month since the Iowa-Kentucky pairing in the TransPerfect Bowl was set, and I still can’t figure out its hook for viewers.

See two teams that both weren’t quite as good this season after they squared off in a New Year’s bowl in Orlando 364 days ago? See their underachieving offenses struggle even more now that they’re starting quarterbacks who have never thrown a pass in a college game?

Hey, if every bowl needed a point or purpose, we’d just have Saturday’s two playoff games and a really long pregame show. People don’t need any reasons to watch those 40 other bowls other than this: They’re on TV. (And, of course, sports betting.)

This thing in Nashville Saturday, though, what is it? The Wildcats’ No. 1 quarterback and No. 1 running back have opted out of the game, and their No. 2 running back entered the transfer portal. Iowa is without its No. 1 and No. 2 quarterbacks, and one of its starting wide receivers hit the portal.

Since Kentucky was 107th in the nation in total offense and Iowa 130th with their top quarterbacks, this really might be a show about nothing when it comes to offense.

Thank goodness for off-field activity. In the four weeks between the TransPerfect Bowl’s matchup announcement and the game itself, the two biggest things concerning Iowa football had zero to do with Saturday’s contest.

1. The Hawkeyes got themselves a quarterback for next season, Cade McNamara.

This news made Hawkeye World happy. McNamara brings some prestige and a resume with him from Michigan to Iowa City, as well as a heck of a good tight end in Erick All.

Iowa’s starting QB Saturday, Joe Labas, will be trying to convince Hawkeye coaches that they shouldn’t hand the 2023 starting job to McNamara on a silver platter.

Or, he’ll be attempting to put together some nice audition tape for another team that needs a quarterback.

2. Five-star offensive line recruit Kadyn Proctor flipped on his Iowa commitment and signed with Alabama.

Partly because of that, Hawkeye fans fully accepted what Iowa SWARM Collective CEO Brad Heinrichs has pointedly preached to them and the university. Which is, the Hawkeyes have to shore up their NIL offerings to current and potential future Iowa players if the Hawkeyes are to survive in today’s even-doggier dog-eat-dog college sports landscape. And fast.

Heinrichs has done a brilliant job over the last week of putting public pressure on the UI and its athletic director, Gary Barta.

The TransPerfect Bowl has no bearing on that other than to remind the players they may not want to waste their time on future small-potatoes bowls if they’re getting small NIL potatoes from their schools. The bowls themselves — which masquerade as nonprofit charities — better start forking over some NIL cash.

A win or loss in Nashville will be forgotten by most five minutes after the game is over. It won’t change the future trajectory of Hawkeyes football a smidgen. Iowa’s NIL situation, and if Kirk Ferentz is willing and able to pull more useful talent out of the transfer portal to join McNamara and All, will.

In the meantime, let’s summarize the TransPerfect Bowl reps’ biggest selling point to ABC.

Russell: Well, why am I watching it?

George: Because it's on TV.

Comments: (319) 398-8440; mike.hlas@thegazette.com