More fake carols to warm your holiday season

Every year, I help make your season bright by revising the lyrics to some classic Christmas songs to better fit the current moment. Here are some more. No need to thank me.

“Last Christmas”

Last Christmas, I put on a mask.

But the very next day, you took me to task.

This year, I wish you were here

To give you a gift so special.

Last Easter, I got my next shot.

But the very next day, you said you would not.

This year, I wish you were here

To give you a gift so special.

Once vaxed and twice vaxed

I kept my distance, but your immunity lapsed.

Tell me baby was your freedom worth it?

In the ICU you seemed to regret it.

“Merry Christmas,” I wrapped up and sent it.

With a note saying “Please stay well.” I meant it.

Now I know what a fool I’ve been.

If you were here, you’d call me a sheep again.

Last Christmas, I tried not to be bossy

When you said you don’t believe Dr. Anthony Fauci.

This year, I wish you were here

I’d give you a gift so special.

“The Christmas Song”

Lib books roasting on an open fire.

Jake Chapman nipping at your nose.

Angry chants can be heard ‘round the fire

From folks dressed up in North Face coats.

Everybody knows some red meat and accusations

Help to make that fire bright.

Tiny tots facing sure indoctrination

Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Chapman’s on his way

Screaming “obscenity!” from his flying sleigh.

Every mother’s child is up to listen

To hear him throw all their teachers in prison.

And so I’m offering this simple talk

To kids in every public school.

If you don’t want to see a teacher perp walk

Just remember, Jake rules.

“Angels we have heard on high”

Those Dems we have heard on high

Sweetly singing ‘oer the range.

Trump, Trump, Trump, the middle class

They will raise minimum wage.

Voters, we’ve heard this before!

Voters, we’ve hear this before!

Those Dems we have heard on high

Say our lakes are heaven sent.

Yet voluntary rules for farms

Will not reduce the nutrient.

Weak, is this all you’ve got?

Weak, is this all you’ve got?

You Dems why this jubilee?

Why so long since victory?

Iowa is growing red

Stale messages fill us with dread.

Bold, you must be bold!

Bold, you must be bold!

Come to Florida and see

He who stokes autocracy.

If you lack a strategy

We may lose democracy.

Strategy, you had better find one.

Strategy, you had better find one.

“Christmas Baby Please Come Home”

(Christmas) The court’s gonna rule.

(Christmas) And Roe’s gonna fall.

(Christmas) It’s a red state after all.

(Christmas) Still, baby please come home!

(Christmas) Yeah, we’re gonna ban books.

(Christmas) Gonna crack down on the poor.

(Christmas) We’re no longer swingy.

(Christmas) But baby please come home!

They’re singing that Trumpy song.

But it’s not like Iowa at all.

‘Cause you remember those voices of reason.

They’ve all been accused of treason.

(Christmas) Nitrates in the water.

(Christmas) Manure flowing so free.

(Christmas) No punishment for the owners.

(Christmas) They’re all Kim Reynolds’ donors.

They’re singing we’ll own the libs.

Social media is full of their fibs.

So afraid that you won’t come home.

Blame it all on the Golden Dome.

(Christmas) I know you’re LGBTQ.

(Christmas) You’ve studied CRT too.

(Christmas) So you’re not welcome here.

(Christmas) I’ll try to hold back my tears.

(Please) Please

(Please) Please ignore all the hatred!

(Christmas) Baby still come home!

“White Christmas”

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas

But there just isn’t any snow.

The climate’s changing and we’re all straining

To recall sledding in the snow.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.

But our forecast isn’t right.

All our days are dry, windy and bright.

There’s just a slight chance our Christmas will be white.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.

Where oh where did the snow go?

We haven’t seen ya, I blame La Nina.

Fox News says this is really Biden’s fault.

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas.

Just maybe snow is on the way.

May we get more than a passing flurry.

Otherwise it’s like Christmas in Missouri.

“Christmas Time is Here”

All right, customer service

Are my packages ready?

Are they on the way?

Customer service?

Customer service?

Customer service!

Please hold!

Christmas, Christmastime is here.

Time for toys and time for cheer.

But supply chains are all stuck

So your toys may not show up.

Want a plane that loops the loop?

It’s on a ship with hula hoops.

We can hardly stand the wait.

But Christmas might be late.

What? No plane that loops the loop?

What? No chance of hula hoops?

They may never reach the shore.

But Christmas is much more.

“Oh Christmas Tree”

Oh BBB, oh BBB

How will we Build Back Better?

Oh BBB, Oh BBB

If you are in the shredder?

You’ll bring much aid to help the poor.

But what if Manchin slams the door?

Oh BBB, oh BBB

I do not like your chances.

Oh BBB, oh BBB

You will address the climate.

Oh BBB, oh BBB

It is just too tough to rhyme it.

Each year we’re flooded and on fire.

Things are becoming very dire.

Oh BBB, oh BBB

Do you smell burning pine trees?

Oh, BBB, oh BBB

We’re watching all your struggles.

Oh BBB, oh BBB

Each day your message muddles.

Progressives claim, too short your list.

Republicans scream “Socialist!”

Oh BBB, oh BBB

So uncertain is your passage.

Merry Christmas!

(319) 398-82626; todd.dorman@thegazette.com