Commit to be Fit: Struggling with waves of collective grief

After a hectic morning with my kids, I found myself frustrated and needing to get out of the house, so I decided to pack all the kids in the car and go for a ride to clear my head. We stepped outside and my 4-year-old pointed up to the sky, “Mom, look at the sun! It’s so red!”

I looked up and saw a hazy red sun burning in the sky, and instead of admiring it like my children were, my heart instantly dropped. To my kids, the red sun looked really cool, but knowing the sun looked this vibrant red because of the intense wildfires across the country made me sad. Suddenly the little inconveniences from my morning were trivial in comparison to what I knew others were going through. Feeling helpless, I closed my eyes tight and said a prayer for those affected by the wildfires.

As I was driving, I couldn’t keep myself from squinting up at the red sun. I kept thinking about how hundreds of miles away, under the same sun, people were losing their homes to raging wildfires. We were under the same sun, but having vastly different days.

I was feeling this immense sadness and helplessness for those around the world who were experiencing such a different reality. It reminded me of similar feelings I had while watching the peak of COVID-19 in the news, witnessing the racial injustice and civil disorder we experienced last year and now my heart is aching for people in Afghanistan and Haiti.

These terrible national tragedies can lead to feelings of “collective grief.” Acknowledging and “naming” grief has been suggested by experts to be an important step in processing loss in a healthy and productive way. Collective grief happens when a community, society, village, or nation experiences extreme change or loss; like natural disasters, war, mass casualties, pandemics or any other widespread devastation.

“Like individual grief, there is a feeling of lack of control that comes with collective grief. We were unable to prevent the loss or change, and we feel powerless in its wake,” said Asma Rehman, counselor and a certified grief recovery specialist. “And not only do we experience this collective grief after any time of national crisis, but we also feel what is known as anticipatory grief as the crisis continues on. Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get when we are ——in a way — preemptively mourning and grieving. We see the loss around us, and we see that the problems have not been fixed, so we know more is coming down the line.”

As a country — and as a world — we have been experiencing relentless waves of collective grief. Learning about collective grief has helped me to better understand my feelings and realize that I am not alone in feeling this way. It also has put a name to the struggling emotions I feel while watching the news.

Sometimes the only thing I feel like I can do is pray.

As schools reopen and we continue to venture into our “new normal,” may we always be kind to one another and pray for everyone living under the same sun.

Kylie Alger is a certified wellness coach and co-owner of the Well-Woman: Body, Mind & Spirit. Comments: kylie@thewellwoman.org