(Unofficial) Legislative Timeline

The Legislature returns to the Statehouse tomorrow. And here is an (unofficial) 2010 schedule:

Jan. 11 - Session convenes. Due to severe budget cuts, presiding officers will be issued a “Hobo Gavel,” fashioned from an empty can of Hamms, a chicken bone and banjo strings.

Jan. 11 - Opponents of marriage equity try to attach a same-sex marriage ban to Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal's welcome speech.

Jan. 12 - Gov. Chet Culver ‘s Condition of the State speech. Heartened by the popularity of last year's video presentation, Culver scraps his speech and shows “Avatar.”

Jan. 13 - Nighttime special-interest reception schedule released. House Sergeant at Arms collects lawmakers' car keys for return after adjournment.

Jan. 29 - Culver unveils his 2011 budget plan, depicted in miniature dioramas created by Iowa school children. When pressed for details, an exasperated Culver will say, “You want detail? Look at the sad little faces on those tiny bureaucrats.”

Jan. 29 - Legislative leaders say every budget item is “on the table,” which is a piece of plywood and some cinder blocks, due to severe budget cuts. But they doubt video lottery, keno or other gambling expansion will be needed.

Feb. 2 - Marriage equity opponents try to force a vote on a same-sex marriage ban using a Gronstal look-alike. His cover is blown when he cracks a joke that's actually funny.

Feb. 11 - Debate on legislative ethics reforms postponed until after Iowa Buffet Association reception.

Feb. 23 - Free carrot feed sponsored by Iowans Fighting Against Tubbiness, or IFAT, attended only by lawmakers who got bad directions to the free ice cream.

March 1 - Marriage equity opponents chain themselves to Gronstal.

March 5 - Revenue experts downgrade tax-collection forecasts. Governor activates National Guard to capture escaping revenue.

March 10 - In a grand compromise, owners of puppy mills without sprinkler systems are banned from texting while driving.

March 17 - Due to severe budget cuts, the annual visit by an Irish member of parliament is canceled. Instead, lawmakers will hear from the guy who does the voice in “Lucky Charms” ads.

March 24 - Marriage equity opponents trying to force a same-sex marriage ban vote at the Senate picnic are fought off with sporks.

March 30 - Keno, video lottery, five-card monty, sports book, marbles for keepsies and high-stakes go-fish are legalized in a last-minute budget deal.

March 31 - Adjournment after just 80 days. OK, now that's unbelievable.

Comments: (319) 398-8452 or todd.dorman@gazcomm.com