REVIEW: Arnold doesn’t take standup lying down

By Diana Nollen

CEDAR RAPIDS - Tom Arnold has come home. And his journey back to his standup roots is a complete success.

The Ottumwa native and die-hard Hawkeye fan had a sellout crowd of 200 laughing constantly Thursday night at Penguins Comedy Club in the Clarion Hotel, 525 33rd Ave. SW. The show actually was moved to the hotel's North Ballroom, around the corner from the comedy club's smaller, permanent venue.

Arnold spent more than an hour in the spotlight, charming his audience with anecdotes about his family, his Iowa roots, Hollywood, his marriages and step-parenthood.

He spotted his youngest brother, Mark, in the crowd and spent the first part of his show dishing on embarrassing childhood memories and finding out what's new on the homefront.

“This is how I catch up with my family,” Arnold said, then asking about Christmas and introducing his new wife, Ashley, to Mark and vice versa.

Arnold's easy, conversational style felt very spontaneous, not scripted. He flowed seamlessly between topics, never at a loss for words.

The newlywed also touched on same-sex marriage, coming from Iowa, where it's legal, but living in California, where it's not.

“My gay brother Chris is the only person I know who is against same-sex marriage. He says, ‘I don't want to lose all my money the way you did' (through divorces).”

He then moved onto to heterosexual unions, the frustrating difference between the sexes, and some clues for women that would make life easier for both.

“If a man loves a woman, he'll do anything for you,” he said. “You have to be happy or our whole world is off-kilter. Just tell us what to do” and be specific, instead of making men guess what their wives want.

Men are much less complicated, he said.

“It only takes three things to make men happy. First, a little quiet time during ‘SportsCenter' (on TV). Sports are important to us - they affect our quality of life.

“Number 2: Every man loves it when you make us something in the kitchen with your own hands - with meat in it, bread and is fried.” A fried bologna sandwich will do just fine, he said.

The third item on his list can't be spelled out in a family newspaper, but does involve sex, of course.

The funniest riffs, however, were recounting escapades from his youth, including being arrested for streaking through an old folks' home in Ottumwa; the various scams that cost him his jobs in college; and the sophomoric conversations he's had with one of his best friends, who happens to be the governor of California. Unbeknown to them, phone calls, text messages and e-mails sent from the governor's office are state property, so their inappropriate comments about women made the news.

“That's secret talk - just two guys talking,” he said. “Everybody got it, except Maria Shriver.”

He and the governor have changed their tactics. “My assistant talks to his assistant and we yell in the background.”

He also talked about the highs and lows of his most famous marriage, to Roseanne. Nothing he said was mean or vindictive. In fact, he said he's grateful to her for letting him be a stepfather, which saved his life by making him want to get sober.

And at the end of the show, he invited everyone to say hi on the way out, snap a picture or help support a children's heart camp charity by getting his autograph on a T-shirt that said: “It could be worse, you could be Tom Arnold.”

Something tells me it's not so bad being Tom Arnold these days.

Opening act Henry Phillips gave us a sneak peek at his hilarious musical musings that will be in the headline spot tonight at 8 and Saturday, Jan. 16, at 7:30 and 10 p.m. at Penguins. His twisted look at girls and guitars have earned him fame on TV's “Comedy Central” and radio's “The Bob & Tom Show.” Even if you don't know his songs, clap like you do. He'll appreciate that.

For details and tickets on Phillips' show, go to

http://www.penguinscomedyclub.com/cr_penguins.htm