The Captain Under Attack

Julie's Health Club blog over at chicagotribune.com informs us that Men's Health Magazine has named Captain Crunch "The Worst Breakfast Cereal" in terms of healthiness. Yes, that's right, Men's Health is dissing our favorite hometown Quaker-commissioned naval officer. How dare they.

"Aside from the added vitamins, which are mandated by the government, this cereal is an amalgam of largely worthless food particles and chemicals,"said Men's Health editor David Zinckzenko, author of the "Eat This, Not That!" book series.

Amalgam? This comes from Men's Health, an amalgam of cringe-inducing lameness. If there were a charge for using the word "Ultimate!,' Men's Health would go out of business.

Maybe you get health advice from publications with features like creating your "Seduction Plan" or that encourage you to post photos of your tattoos so they can be rated by others.

And really, will these "pop culture cheat sheets" make me the guy everyone wants to meet? I have my doubts, even if I do memorize "If you follow every dream, you might get lost." from Neil Young's "The Painter" or another lyric from this lame list.

Still, I was thoroughly entertained by the magazine's amazing list of the 20 Worst Foods in America, topped by the 2,900-calorie Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries appetizer. It's the equivalent of 14 Krispy Kremes, according to the article.  Sickening, but impressive. It's a freak show of food.

But apologize to the Captain and embrace his sweet, crunchy goodness.