Hawkeye Tailgate Enforcers Should Use a Balanced Offense

The University of Iowa has come out squarely against public peeing.

For years, apparently, it was unclear exactly how the state's leading institution of higher learning felt about this issue. Now we know. What a relief.

It's all part of the university's newly christened crackdown on irresponsible tailgating. Iowa officials are urging those of us tempted to party too hearty before Hawkeye football games that we should, instead, “Think before you drink.” And before nature calls.

I, frankly, have no real problem with any of this.

Most of the rules now being emphasized by university leaders are already on the books, including the law against errant sprinkling and a prohibition on strolling down the road/sidewalk while tipping a tall boy. Why these rules weren't enforced previously wasn't explained. Nor was there a mea culpa for how this inattention may have helped lead to troublesome excesses.

Just know that they will be enforced now. With warnings, mostly, unless you get lippy.

Drinking after games in university lots and garages will be curtailed. Season ticket holders may face penalties if they sell their tickets to drunken louts. Legions of officers will hunt drunk drivers.

It's a surge, of sorts, to restore order in the streets of Fanhdad.

Fair enough. There's no good reason to get puking drunk before the Hawkeyes do battle in legendary Kinnick Stadium. Even this so-called “crackdown” leaves plenty of room to party. It's not like they're going to breathalyze us at the gate. And please, that's not a suggestion.

As I read through the crackdown rundown, however, I was disappointed by an omission. Nowhere did it say that big donors ensconced in stylish Kinnick luxury suites will no longer be allowed to drink from opening kickoff until they hear the final gun. Boom.

In heaven there is no beer, but lofty fat cat cocktailing is still allowed. The rest of you knuckleheads had better sober up.

I'm also worried that I'll need to do a background check on people who use my tickets. How am I to know if the seemingly swell folks I sell them to will schnapps themselves into a stupor? Luckily, with a potentially glorious season laid out before us like a gourmet football buffet, I have no plans for selling.

I just hope enforcement of these rules is effective, but measured.

We don't need to go from an inebriated state to a police state to make tailgating safer. We don't have to lock down every road out of town to send the message that it's not OK to drink and drive. I hope, like the Hawkeyes, the university and law enforcement run a balanced offense.

Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@gazcomm.com