Memo: My desk beach is beautiful, wish you were here

(Warning: Satire)

Memo to all Grindstone Group employees.

From: Your Work -Life Balance Team (formerly Human Resources)

Subject: Vacations.

First, we'd like to thank you for your efforts. We know the uncertainties you faced through the recent 13-phase reinvention. We know many are approaching the end of a 90-day trial period, when the Work-Life Balance Team will be transitioning some of you to a 100 percent life status.

Despite challenges, your work is paying off. The Grindstone Group is now the world's No. 3 catalyst of 'Global Strategies to Make Your Business No. 1.” A milestone.

We couldn't have done it without you.

If fact, being without you for even a week or two is no longer acceptable. In the interest of efficiency and resource-scarcing, we're right-sizing paid vacation benefits for Work Tribe Levels Alpha through Dauntless.

Fact is, the United States is the only advanced nation that does not require its employers to provide paid time off. In the past, despite our support for this sort of patriotic, free-market thinking, we've generously offered paid vacation to entice top employees. But since our main competitors mapsitioned to northern Myanmar, it no longer makes financial sense.

Also, data shows you don't want vacations. American workers failed to use more than 400 million earned days off last year. Three-quarters of you didn't take the time we offered to you. Average workers take only about half, with about 15 percent taking no time at all. We admire your work ethic and embrace of smart-fear strategies.

Yes, some studies show time off improves productivity, and should be encouraged. But our own research team, working 72 hours through the weekend, came away confused and irritable.

Change is hard, but initiatives are planned to soften the blow.

Desk beaches - Plastic tubs filled with sand will be available for placement beneath desks, providing a simulated, foot-soothing beach environment.

Tanning desks - Work stations inside tanning beds will be available on Concourse C.

Restrooms - The cleaning of restrooms will be discontinued, giving them the authentic feel of a gas station bathroom, or perhaps a cruise ship adrift after losing power.

Elevator log flume - Sprinklers inside elevators will be activated, simulating the refreshing excitement of a log flume ride. Candid ride photos will be available at the security desk.

Fire drill luau - Employees taking part in the monthly fire drill will be given leis as they leave the building. Return all leis before re-entering.

Mosquitoes - Will be released into the air ducts.

Scenic vistas - Sunsets and sunrises are visible from Team Building Rooms A and FF.

Beach books - Free copies of our CEO's new travel guide 'Your Job is in Limbo - How Long Can You Go?” are available.

Postcards - Top Grindstone executives have generously offered to have their assistants send each of you a postcard from their critical strategy retreat at Bermuda's exclusive Hubris Harbor Golf Resort.

Questions? Remember your smart-fear strategies.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com