Column -- Satirical Seasonal Sing Along

Why listen to the same old Christmas carols when you can swig your eggnog to the timely sounds of local artists?

I've compiled an album of local favorites that are sure to put you in the holiday mood.

Here's a timely, hazy twist on “The Christmas Song.”

“Farmstead's roasting on a noxious fire

“Particulates dancing up your nose.

“Health department warnings really sound very dire

“And Folks should dress in haz-mat clothes.

“Everybody knows...Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough...”

A classic. We also take a shot at the beloved “12 days of Christmas.”

“On the first day of Christmas, my well-armed true love sent to me, a stuffed cougar shot out of a tree...”

Magic. And what could be more festive than the O Holy war between Mediacom-Sinclair Broadcasting? Grab your rabbit ears and give it a listen.

“O Orange Bowl,

“My TV cannot find you.

“It is the fight for the almighty buck.”

“O Orange Bowl

“This static stokes my anguish

“Why oh why did I not install a dish?

"O (Beep)”

Heartbreaking. And profane.

Forget Santa, baby. Folks around here are waiting for a new mayor to deliver the goods.

“Mayor Corbett, please keep your word, you promised a lot. If not

“We'll be on you all year.

“Mayor Corbett, just hurry up and end the delay.”

You can't spell Christmas without pressure. Ha.

Now let's check in with a county government that just wants to be home for the Holidays.

“It's no fun with no home for the holidays.

“Steve & Barry's just doesn't fit our style.

“How we long for the confines of our AOB.

“Add a penthouse suite and we could see for miles.

"Da da da da da.”

Stirring, to be sure. Meanwhile, our governor is carving up one fat goose of a budget. Here's the “Carol of the Budget.”

“Hark, now the Lug

“Order the cuts

“Must do the cuts.

“So many cuts.

“Too many cuts?

“Can't stop the cuts.

“Who did the cuts?

“I did the cuts.

“Driving me nuts.

“Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas, Merry, merry, merry. merry Christmas.

“Please, no more cuts....Ding, Dong.”

Wow, he could use a vacation. And our next artist would like to give him a good rest after next November.

“Oh, we wish you a Terry Branstad

“We wish you a Terry Branstad

“We wish you a Terry Branstad, and a retro New Year.

“Poll numbers he brings, his lead is quite wide

“But his long and checkered record is an obvious downside.”

Well, that's all for now. Here's wishing you and yours a merry Christmas.

Cough.