The great snowstorm debate

A spirited debate sparked by the season's first winter storm took place Monday inside the head of a third-rate local columnist.

It pitted the columnist's 10-year-old self against his 44-year-old self, and was sponsored by Iowa's grocers. Iowa's grocers would like to remind you that you're running dangerously low on milk, eggs and bread. Hurry in before it's too late and the heavy stuff starts coming down.

And now, the Dorman-Dorman debate.

Ten-year-old self - The weather guy says it's going to snow eight inches! Eight inches! Awesome! I can finally use the new sled I got for Christmas and all the other sleds and snow stuff I piled in the garage. Man, I thought it would never snow.

Forty-four-year-old self - The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Warning! Great. Ugh., That's all we need. My snowblower is buried in the garage under the kids' sleds and a bunch of other junk they piled up. I was so hoping it would never snow. Like that was going to happen. Wonder if we have enough milk, eggs and bread?

Ten-year-old self - The timing couldn't be better! More winter break! Woo-hoo! Cartoons! Sledding!

Forty-four-year-old self - The timing couldn't be worse. The kids have been out of school for two weeks on break, and now we might have a snow day? With the loss of critical contact hours and time-on-task, how can we expect our kids to keep up with the fierce global economic competition they'll face? It's a slippery slope we're sledding down, let me tell you, straight to irreversible decline. In fact, I just read an article in the New Yorker ...

Ten-year-old self - We're going to play outside all day!

Forty-four-year-old self - Due to the combination of frigid temperatures and strong arctic winds, dangerous wind chill readings will require that all of us strictly limit our time outside. Why, our exposed flesh could freeze in just minutes! Frostbite is nothing to fool around with, mister.

Ten-year-old-self - The sledding hills will be 100 percent snow and ice covered! Blowing down the hill at a gazillion miles per hour is highly recommended.

Forty-four-year-old-self - The roads will be 100 percent snow and ice covered, with snow and blowing snow reducing visibility to a quarter mile. Travel is not recommended.

Ten-year-old self - Snow angels!

Forty-four-year-old self - Snow emergency!

Ten-year-old self - Hot chocolate!

Forty-four-year-old self - Dead battery.

Ten-year-old self - Snowball direct hit!

Forty-four-year-old self - Winter survival kit.

Ten-year-old self - We'll build a fortress of snow in the yard!

44-year-old self - The city plow will build a wall of snow in the driveway.

Ten-year-old self - Maybe the forecast will be wrong and we'll get way more snow than forecast. Cross your fingers.

Forty-four-year-old self - Maybe the forecast will be wrong and the storm will miss us. Cross your fingers.

Ten-year-old self - I hope I don't grow up to be a lame killjoy.

Forty-four-year-old self - Uh ... got an extra sled?

' Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com