Scrabble tourney spells trouble

Fez, cairn, qua.

Qoph, qat, quetzal, xi.

All right, I'm ready. Scrabble players, bring it on.

When Sandy Pickup, co-director of the Iowa City Free Medical Clinic and Dick Parrott Free Dental Clinic, sent out the invitation to today's Free the Medical Clinic Scrabble tournament, I replied with an immediate “Yes!” I've had a lot of good times sitting around a Scrabble board with a friend or two.

But I felt a twinge of worry a few days later, when Iowa City Press-Citizen Opinion Page Editor Jeff Charis-Carlson (aka, the competition) threw down the glove:

“I just RSVPed for the Free the Clinic Scrabble Tournament,” he wrote. “I'm hoping you and I get a chance to challenge each other.”

“Sounds great,” I replied, even though inside, I was thinking: “Oh, crumb.”

Because behind that genteel trash talk, I hid a secret: As Scrabble players go, I'm pretty average. Nothing I'd stake my professional reputation on.

Oh sure, I can leverage my “S” and play the odd parallel word.

But “Q” without “U” is just a lonely orphan to me, and I'm mystified by the two-letter weirdos that pros throw down like battle cries - XU, YA, YE, YO, ZA!

I'm not above doing a victory dance when I use all seven of my tiles. In short, I'm an armchair player. A dilettante.

Then local gadfly Gary Sanders upped the ante this week, saying he wanted to play the winner between Charis-Carlson and me. A public challenge? Now it was on.

So I bit the bullet, got Charis-Carlson on the phone and offered a little wager; he agreed. The loser will kick in an extra $20 to help the clinic pay off its mortgage.

That's how I came to be studying nonsensical words in between pounding out lines to this column - for charity. I turned to my digital social network for help.

“I need your very best Scrabble words,” I wrote.

“Not a chance,” said Gazette faith and values reporter Molly Rossiter. “I'm on another team.”

But Pickup told me not to worry, the tournament is all for fun - even if some people appear to be out for blood.

Will she be playing?

Oh, no, Pickup said. She only plays against the computer: “I wouldn't do very well against a human being.”

The tournament is from 1 to 5:30 p.m. at Old Brick, 26 E. Market St., Iowa City, and you can register at the door.

You also can make a donation or gather pledges. Forms are online at www.freemedicalclinic.org

Jennifer Hemmingsen's column appears on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Contact the writer at (319) 339-3154 or jennifer.hemmingsen@gazcomm.com